The world she emerged to was very different from her backyard...or Burbank, for that matter. Waters from the pool flowed down a small waterfall that eventually became a lazy river. Soft grass like emeralds, sun yellow sands, and towering trees and flowers in the brilliant rainbow shades of a MGM Technicolor musical dominated the landscape. It almost hurt her bad eyes just to look at it.
“Uh, excuse me!” She called out to the first creature who paddled past her. She never saw a mouse that size. It was big as her, and awfully skinny for a mouse, with soft pale gold fur and big blue eyes. “Hey there, Miss Mouse, do you know where this is going?”
It kept swimming, ignoring her. “Uh, hello? Miss Mouse? Any ideas? You're swimming like you're on the run from a cat or something!”
The mouse gave her a scathing look that definitely wasn't something she'd ever seen on Minnie Mouse! “If you were me,” she said in a tiny squeaky little girl voice, “you'd be terrified of cats, too! Cats, dogs...they all think we're breakfast! I've had to defend six brothers and sisters who lost tails or arms or legs or their lives to those horrid creatures!”
“Defend?” She raised an eyebrow. “You're a legal mouse?”
“Of course!” she squeaked smugly. “First in my family. Eagles are usually the lawyers in Wonderland, but if a bird, why not a mouse, I figured?”
“Uh,” Brett interrupted, “you wouldn't know where there's land anywhere nearby, would you?”
If a talking mouse wasn't enough, a dodo...or at least, she thought it was a dodo...paddled past them. It had darker feathers than she saw on old pictures of dodos, with a black curly feathered top and a long beak that formed a great big grin. “Hello, gorgeous girls!” He actually smirked with a beak. “I know a dyn-o-mite piece of land where we can dry off.”
“But quietly!” The mouse insisted. “Jimmie, you know what'll happen if...he...hears! We have to play the game his way, or we'll be sent to Limbo or lose our muchness.”
“How can he hear?” Jimmie the Dodo let out a squawk that might have been laughter. “He's miles away from here in Looking Glass World! Now, you lovely ladies follow me, and we'll get you all dried and beautiful! Or at least,” he gave them one last smirk, “almost as beautiful as me.”
Brett never saw such a motley crew of animals dragging themselves out of the river. A handsome Eagle with sleek black and white feathers shook himself and chased a pretty duck with curling reddish feathers and a fine strong beak. The lory parrot couldn't stop giggling at the birds' antics, shaking her fluffy scarlet and green feathers with every high-pitched guffaw.
“Animals of Wonderland,” Jimmie the Dodo announced, waving his stubby wings, “you will all settle down and listen to the sad story of our own Miss Sarah Mouse-dy now! She's gonna tell all of you why us birds and little guys hate things that have sharp teeth.”
“Now,” said little Sarah, “I come from a long line of great mice, who came over with William the Conqueror and Edwin and Morticar. We were the first on the boat, you know, and even then, we were lucky to...”
“This is sooo boring!” The scarlet-feathered Lory leaned over and whispered loudly to Brett. “So, what do they call you where you flew in from? They usually call me Kaye.”
“Brett,” she whispered in a softer tone, “and I think you ought to shush. Sarah's giving you the worst look I ever saw outside of my hus...ex-husband.”
Sarah's blue button eyes narrowed. “Did you two talk?”
Kaye coughed and looked innocent. “Not I, kiddo! I just, er, laughed!” She proceeded to let loose with another wild giggle that grated on Brett's ears. Boy, does she remind me of someone...and she's just as annoying as a human. Sarah too, come to think of it...
“Ehh, Kaye's right,” squeaked a fluffy brown squirrel with an accent that closely resembled Charles, but a much longer nose and a bushy tail. “This isn't getting us dry. I could be doing other things, you know, like getting the story on that Red King and finding what he's got against us.”
“Not unless you feel like ending up in his tower, or Limbo, Robert.” Jimmie shuddered. “I, for one, don't want to get anywhere near that dude. He's bad news, man.”
“Who is he?” Brett tugged her tattered blouse around her shoulders. “I heard the White Rabbit mumbling about a Red King, too. What does he do that's so terrible?”
“He's the worst guy in the Under Kingdoms,” said the Eaglet, who hastily added that his name was Bart. “He and his Red Chess Army storm into any party or even slightly fun gathering, arrest all the occupants, and take their muchness.”
“Or sends them to Limbo,” Kaye snorted.
Brett raised an eyebrow. “Their what?”
“Their...well, Wonderland-ness,” Sarah squeaked nervously. “Their ability to speak or think. They have to follow his rules...and he has so many rules!”
“Limbo,” said a grouchy gray and brown Mama Crab, “is the Limbo Realm. That's where nothing grows and no one ever escapes. His Jabberwocky's there. Kind of like a dragon. Eats everything it gets its claws on.”
Brett shivered and wiped salty droplets off her brow as a breeze floated over the river. “This isn't drying me off,” she grumbled. “It's just depressing. There has to be another way to get dry.”
Jimmie the Dodo waved a glossy wing at an old oak with pinkish-green leaves near-by and gave them another wide grin. “Hey man, how about a Caucus Race?”
“A what?” Brett raised an eyebrow. “How would a race get you dry?”
“The best way to explain it,” Jimmie went on, “is to do it.” He, Debralee the Duck, and Robert the Squirrel set up rocks in the rough shape of a circle around the tree. “Ok, everybody in the circle!” They all jumped in anywhere they pleased, and without so much as a “ready, set, go,” began running.
They ran for at least a half-hour, sometimes running into each other, sometimes bumping into the tree or falling over. Brett had no idea how she was doing or when it was over, but it did the trick. After about a half-hour, she was much drier and having the time of her life chasing them all around.
Bart kept jumping on Debralee the Duck, with her nipping or pushing him back, before they just rolled on the grass laughing. Robert the Squirrel leaped on people from the branches. Sarah darted under legs. The two crabs pinched behinds and showed everyone how to bend over and walk on their hands and feet side to side. Kaye spent most of her time leaning against the tree, pointing and laughing at everyone's antics.
“I might have to try this when I get home,” Brett puffed as she tapped Jimmie on the shoulder. “I could have the boys run races in the yard after they've been in the pool instead of dirtying towels. By the way, you're it.”
“I still say,” Sarah squeaked, “that we should be a little quieter. What if the Red King hears us?”
“Relax!” Jimmie waved his wing dismissively. “Nothin's gonna happen. Besides, we have a reporter, a lawyer, and a human lady on our side. He wouldn't dare attack us!”
“Hey,” said Mama Crab, “maybe it's just an old lady, but I thought I heard a horn in the distance.”
“No, it's not you,” Kaye squawked. The horn blast sounded distinctly like the theme of To Tell the Truth. “I hear it, too. And...” she stood as racing hooves became more distinct. “Thunder? It's loud enough to be thunder. But there's human voices...”
“I knew it!” Sarah's horrified squeak nearly ruptured Brett's ear drums. “He found us! We have to run! I told you we broke the rules!”
“Who found us?” Brett's query fell into empty air. The squirrel shimmied up the tree and disappeared into the swirly reddish-green leaves. The mouse dug a hole in the caucus race course. Birds flapped their wings to prepare for take-off.
All Brett could see at first were black and red blurs charging across the sandy marshes, their thundering hooves shaking the ground and sending most of them to the dirt. She'd barely gotten to her feet when she was up to her flowered shoulders in knobby fur-covered legs and giant bodies with red blankets. It took every ounce of strength she had to jump out of their way.
The horses' riders wore red armor the color of gushing blood and carried swords, axes, and lances. They looked like King Arthur and his Round Table boys in Camelot, only Brett suspected Franco Nero and Richard Harris weren't under that armor. The knights trapped the larger animals in strong rope nets, then threw them into iron cages dangling from poles between horses. Any animals who fought vanished with a wave of the scepter.
Towering over everyone was a massive brute in dirty scarlet armor. It was crusted in dust and swamp muck and smelled like Adam's dirty socks left in the sun to ripen. His sword flashed over several animals...and though he blocked them from view, she was sure they didn't move again. When the Eaglet fought him, he yanked him by his beak and tossed him and the Lory into the last cage.
“That'll hold ya,” crowed an all-too familiar grouchy gravelly voice. “At least 'til we get to the Red Castle, and the Boss deals with 'ya. And oh boy, when he deals with you, you'll wish you've never been born.” The smirk in his voice chilled her to the bone, despite the warm sunlight flooding the marsh.
“Good, my Red Knight.” Her eyes widened as another figure rode into the clearing. “You've done very well here. Rounded up some more law-breakers to work in my empire. They know how to play the game. They know the rules. Animals should be seen, not heard. And if they don't, they'll make fine Jabberwocky bait in Limbo.”
He wasn't a tall man, or an ugly one. In fact, he was a cute middle-aged guy. White-blond hair, deceptively twinkly mile-long smile, slender little nose, red zig-zag chess king crown, watch studded with diamonds and rubies, the most expensive scarlet summer suit on the market. And the smooth high-pitched tenor gave it away.
“Now, my Red Knight,” her boss Mark Goodson...or his double...went on, “what are those,” he pointed at the sobbing animals who'd been herded against the tree, “doing here? They're too small to play the game. I think they'll make excellent toys.”
“Sure, boss,” the Red Knight said in that raspy Philadelphia growl that sent shock waves through her tender heart. “Whatever you say. You gonna use the scepter, then?”
“Jack!” Brett gasped, her eyes wide and her voice barely a whisper. “Jack Klugman, it can't be you! You wouldn't do this!” She tried to climb his horse's leg, but the fur was slick and sweaty, and she kept slipping on her rear. “You're supposed to be on the Ventura Freeway driving to my house, not abusing innocent animals!” They couldn't hear her under the horses' rears.
“Of course,” the Red King said amiably. He waved a long red wand topped with a glowing ball over the shivering, screaming small animals. The moment the dark red light touched them, they...contracted. Their voices died as they shrank and ceased moving. Brett jumped back as a stuffed yellow mouse that moments ago was a living, breathing creature fell against her. It still felt warm to the touch, but its button eyes – real buttons – were glassy and cold.
“No!” She couldn't help the scream. “NO! What have you done? Jack...if that is you up there...are you crazy? How could you let him do this? We were only drying off!”
“I think,” the Red King leered, “that is check and match for me. I win again.”
“You always win. They gotta learn the only way to play the game is your way. Hey Boss,” The Red Knight continued in his raspy voice, “did you hear somethin'? It's comin' from down there.” He pointed a gloved finger at the ground.
“You must be hearing things, my Knight.” His icy chuckle could have frozen the Pacific in June. “It's likely the wind. Or there's more of these creatures around. Why don't you see if we've cleared the area? There may be a few more rule-breakers hiding in the trees and bushes.”
“Jack...if that is you...do you know where your sons are?” Brett yelled upwards. “They're too much like you. I can't keep track of them.” She tugged on the silky black horse's tail, but he just swatted her away. “Jack, I won't leave this place without you and them!”
“Come on, doll!” Jimmie the Dodo grabbed her hand with a squawk. “We've gotta get outta here! This place suddenly got a little too hot for the Black Prince, if you know what I mean.”
“Jimmie,” she puffed as they dashed under cover of the scrub bushes, “what happened there? Who was that jerk? What's he got against Caucus Races?”
“Brett, man, the Red King has a list of rules longer than the tree back there. 'Don't have parties,' 'don't laugh,' 'focus on the game.'” Jimmie pushed her under a bush. “Good thing we're out of his domain. His rules ain't got no truck in Wonderland. He's in charge of Looking Glass World.”
“Remind me never to go there,” She jumped over roots and walked under massive red and orange-dotted mushrooms. “Jimmie, I'm looking for my boys. Two human kids, one taller and looks a little like me, one shorter and looks like the Red Knight, but cuter. Have you seen them?”
“I haven't been lookin' for human kids.” Jimmie rubbed the area under his beak. “I know who could help ya, though. I'm friends with a hip caterpillar who lives under the giant red and white mushroom in the next clearing over. He has a shop there that sells all kinds of advice and poetry and mind-blowing fungi. He'll be able to help ya find those boys an' figure out where you're goin'. I'll find the White Knight. He's the White King's main boy and the protector of the under-lands. He'll know how to deal with these bad dudes.”
“Thanks, Dodo.” She gave him a kiss on his beak. “You're not bad, for an extinct animal.”
He grinned and managed to turn red under his feathers. “Oh brother, I am never washing this beak again!”
She watched him crash into the bushes, squawking and making more noise than traffic on the LA Freeway at rush hour. “Now I understand why dodos went extinct,” she chuckled. “If that doesn't give him away, the Red King is blind, deaf, and dumb.”
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