The gleaming black gate swung open as she and the guys strolled through a more formal garden than the one at Hearts Palace. Closely-clipped hedges and gleaming blood-red roses with dark petals waved ominously. Even the trees cowered, their shiny emerald leaves freshly trimmed.
Two familiar figures settled on a stone bench under a waving willow. “Brett!” Queen Fannie waved them over. She’d traded her t-shirt for a scarlet gown with a satin bustle and tight sequined bodice that showed off every curve of her famous decollage. “Queen Brett! You’re here! You did it!”
“Oh, I’m so glad!” Queen Helen traded her wayward wrap for a sparkling gown whose white shown like new-fallen snow sprinkled with glitter. She pulled Brett tightly between them. “Sit here, dear. There’s much we need to talk to you about.”
“And I have a ton of things I need to ask you about,” Brett added. “Ladies, is the game ov…”
Queen Fannie made a face. “Speak when you’re spoken to, darlin’.”
“But if everyone did that,” Brett grumbled, “no one would ever say anything.”
Helen sighed. “Fannie, please, leave her alone. She’s going to have enough trouble taking the examination.”
Brett narrowed her eyes. “What examination? No one ever mentioned that.”
“Always speak the truth,” Fannie recited. “Think before you speak, darlin’, and write it down afterwards.”
“What is this,” Brett grumbled, “a coronation or an interrogation? I didn’t mean…”
Fannie made a face. “That’s just what I’m talkin’ about, darlin’. You should have meant! What’s the use of somebody without any meanin’? Even a joke should have some meanin’, and a person is more important than a joke, I hope. You couldn’t deny that, even if you tried with both hands.”
“Oh good gravy Marie!” She blurt in exasperation. “I don’t deny things with my hands!”
“Nobody said you did, darlin’,” Fannie scolded. “I just said you couldn’t if you tried.”
Helen sighed. “She’s in that state of mind where she wants to deny something, only she doesn’t know what it is yet.”
“A nasty vicious temper,” Fannie added smugly. “That’s what she has!”
“I’ll show you a nasty vicious temper, Your Majesty! All I want is to know where my sons and Dickie…uh, Sir Richard’s are, and how to get them out of wherever they are! And Dickie,” Brett nodded at Richard, who wandered absently around the garden, “had a little, er, head injury, and he’s acting like a complete ditz. We need to help him.”
Helen’s eyes widened. “Is that the Vorpal Sword he has on him?”
“Why, yes.” Richard held the sword up easily. “It is, Your Majesty. He gave it to me.” He pointed the sword at Charles, who shared tea with Orson at another stone bench next to theirs.
Fannie’s eyes widened. “That’s supposed to be in Limbo! How did you get it away from the Jabberwock?”
“It’s a long story.” Charles put aside his tea. “Look, we need to get into that castle and free the others. The Sword might help us get through the guards, but there’s the Red King.”
Fannie chuckled. “Oh, don’t worry about my guardian, darlin’s. He can’t bother you now. He’s powerless once he’s been checkmated.”
“I’m not so sure about that,” Brett grumbled. “He has the habit of turning up when you least want him.”
“Then why don’t we anticipate him?” Fannie clapped her hands together and grinned. “Helen, I invite you to Brett’s tea party this afternoon.”
Helen reached over and took her hand. “I accept the invitation and invite you.”
“Wait just a minute here.” Charles made a face under his silk hat. “Shouldn’t Brett be inviting you? This is her castle now.”
“I didn’t know I was going to have a party at all!” Brett finally extricated herself from between the two queens. “Look, ladies, it’s been wonderful, but I have to find my sons and get them out of there, and we need to go…”
Helen’s eyes filled with tears. “You can’t go! We get the Red King’s scepter from him. That’s why we want to have the party. If you get the scepter, you can free my husband.”
“I don’t like this.” Brett made a face. “I was supposed to be able to break the spell just by my arriving here…”
Helen cut her off. “You just need to answer a few questions. What’s one and one and one and one and one?”
Brett tried to add it up in her head. “I don’t know. I lost count. Is this like that raven and writing desk riddle?”
“She can’t do addition.” Fannie smoothed her crimson skirts. “Can you do subtraction? Take nine from eight.”
Brett smirked. “Negative one.”
“You can’t be negative! Not if you want a cheerful castle!” Queen Helen scolded. “You can’t do subtraction. Can you do division? Divide a loaf by a knife.”
Brett rubbed her forehead. “You get sandwiches for your sons. Now, if we could just…” She gazed wistfully at Orson and Charles, who whispered among themselves, and Dickie, who polished his sword and ignored everyone else.
The Red Queen ignored her. “Take a bone from a dog. What remains?”
“Not the bone. Or me. I wouldn’t take a bone from a dog!” She made a face. “Nothing remains. Look, this is getting really annoying…”
Fannie smirked gleefully. “Wrong again! Its temper remains. You really don’t know nothin’ ‘bout math, do ya, darlin’?”
“What do you know about math?” Brett snarled. “I'd like to see you figure out these stupid questions! What is it with you people and your made-up riddles with no answers? They’re not funny, they’re not helpful, and they make no sense!”
“She’s feverish from all that thinking.” Helen fanned her with the etiquette book she held.
“I’m feverish,” Brett snarled, “because you two are getting on my nerves!” She tried to push them away. “Either we go and find my sons, or I’m figuring out a way to leave right now!”
Charles cleared his throat as the other three joined him. “How about we all sing you a little number?”
“Something better than ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Bat,’” Fannie snarked, “I presume.”
“Much better.”
A purple poof sparkled in the trees over their head. “Do you need a singer, boys?” The Cheshire Catwoman dangled one long, slender leg in a fur-trimmed high heeled boot right by their noses. “Ladies, why don’t you listen to a nice, soothing song? You’ve done all you can to help Queen Brett. Now, let her do what needs to be done, and you get some rest before the tea party.”
“One more thing, Your Majesties.” Brett added as the boys played a soft, soothing tune and Lee sang “Lullaby and Goodnight” rather well. “How can we restore Dickie’s mind?” She pointed at him trying to stuff the sword in his tiny saddlebags. “He’s no good to us like this!”
White Queen Helen yawned. “Oh,” she murmured, “that’s simple. The Vorpal Sword must be brought…” she lay her head on Fannie’s shoulder “...to the tea party. That’s where…you’ll checkmate…the king. It’s when…you’ll release…my husband. It’s where…the bearer of the Sword will prove his courage. The scepter…”
Brett tried to grab her, but they faded out even as she did. “Yes? Come on, tell me!”
“It’s no good.” Orson sighed over his tea as the Queens vanished into thin air. “They’re gone. They’ll be back when they’ve had a good nap.”
Brett groaned. “That’s wonderful, but it doesn’t tell us how we’re going to do this! How can we get that scepter? And more to the point, where do we get it?”
“Hey, Your Queenness,” Jimmie tried to tap her on her shoulder, but it came off more like stroking with his soft feathers. “How about in there?”
Even as Lee continued to sing softly on the bench, an arch appeared in a wall that was such a heavy shade of crimson, it appeared nearly black. The words QUEEN BRETT were painted over it in large letters. Two bell-ropes flanked the arch. One had a sign under it that said “servant’s bell.” The other said “visitor’s bell.”
Brett made a face. “I’ll wait until Lee’s done there to decide what to ring. Any ideas, guys? We’re not visitors or servants.”
“There really should be a bell marked for royalty,” Charles added over a slice of bread and butter.
Lee slid smoothly past the two tea-drinkers and over to the door. “Remember, this is Looking Glass Land,” she purred as she wrapped her narrow knuckles on the heavy wood. “You don’t ring the bells. You knock.”
Tom Kennedy popped his green froggy head out. He still sported his Victorian brocade suit with the lace jabot. “Sorry, folks. No admittance until the week after next!”
“Don’t even try that, Tom Kennedy! I’ve had enough of this nonsense!” She grabbed him by the lace knot at his throat and shook him until his teeth rattled. “You let us through this door, or I’m going to grab Dickie’s Vorpal Sword and give me and my men admittance whether you and the queens and kings around here like it or not!”
Tom finally pushed her hand off, wrinkling his handsome nose in annoyance. “That wasn’t necessary, Your Majesty. Tell your cat friend she shouldn’t slam on the door like that. It makes it very upset.”
Brett looked over her shoulder…but all she managed to catch the tail end of a poof of purple smoke. “Oh, good gravy Marie, she’s gone again!”
“Sir,” Charles added bossily, “we have a great deal of planning to attend for Queen Brett’s tea party this afternoon. So if you’ll just…”
Tom’s protruding blue eyes grew even wider. “The Queen’s party? That’s you? Why didn’t you say so? I had no idea you were our new Queen! The Red King is extremely put out that you checkmated him, you know. He’s still keeping the prisoners downstairs. The Red Knight’s guarding them.
Two long hands clad in ebony silk shoved the door open. “Tom, that is our new queen,” Duchess Marcia scolded. “And the moral of that is, ‘you never know what you can do unless you try.’”
“Marcia!” Brett almost jumped into her arms as she and the others tumbled into a long hall. “Where have you been? What happened to you? You won’t believe everything I’ve been through!”
“Shh!” She pushed them against the wall. “It’s time for you to get everyone out of the dungeon. The Queens are awake, and they’re gathering everyone in Wonderland for that tea party of yours.”
Richard’s simple smile grew dreamy. “A tea party? How nice! Will there be cake?”
“That Vorpal Sword…” Brett rolled her eyes. “They want the bearer of the Vorpal Sword to prove his courage. Like Dickie doesn’t have enough of that! It’s his mind that’s not working.” She frowned. “How are we going to release the others?”
Marcia chuckled. “Oh, that’s easy.” Every Red Knight in the place stood at attention the second Brett came in. “You’re in charge of these guys now. They’ll do whatever you tell them to.”
Black rock lined with crimson tapestries depicting bloody wars went on forever. You had to squint to see the end, and even then, it was hard. The Red Knights lined the walls like human versions of those tapestries, armor and weapons at the ready.
“Men,” she demanded, trying to sound as officious as Mr. Goodson, “as your new queen, my first order is to release all of the prisoners in the dungeon. Especially my sons, David and Adam. And bring the three Card Guards to Sir Dawson, pronto!” They all stood there, not moving. She sighed. “That means ‘get a move on, boys.”
She smirked when Jack, who stood at the end of the line, opened his visor. “Lady?” His face puckered up like he’d eaten a whole lemon. Or at least drank a lemon martini. “How in the hell did you checkmate my boss? He’s mad as a hatter!”
Charles lifted his tea cup in salute. “Thank you, Sir Klugman. That’s the nicest thing you ever said about me!”
“It’s a long story, honey.” Her smile lengthened until it became wider than the Cheshire Catwoman’s. “If you go get my sons, Dickie…Sir Dawson’s sons, and our friends out of the dungeon, I’ll tell you.”
He glared at her. “You drive a hard bargain, lady. Fine.” The unwashed crimson armor creaked as he turned to address his men. “You heard her, guys! Go get everyone outta the dungeon. We gotta obey the new queen.”
She winced as the men clanked down the hall, making more racket than they did looking for Humpty Dumpty. “Can they do it without the noise level?” Charles yelled at the top of his lungs.
“Huh?” Jack hollered. “Can’t hear ya! There’s too much noise!”
Adam and David were the first ones to run into her waiting arms. “Mom!” David enveloped her in such a huge hug, it nearly took her breath away. “You’re here! That Red King jerk told me he sent you to Limbo. How did you get loose?”
Her younger son frowned as Jack put his arm around him. “Did they hurt you? The White Rabbit told us about the Jabberwock…”
“Nahh.” Brett smirked. “That big old Godzilla was nothing but a puppy dog. Matter of fact, he took us back here.”
Dickie frowned as his boys ran at him. “Are you…” He rubbed his head with one finger. “I know you…”
“Dad, what happened?” Poor little Gary scrunched up his face like he’d burst into tears. “Did they hurt you?”
Mark nodded as they threw their arms around him. “Dad, we were so scared for you! The Red King told us you were dead!”
“Well,” Dickie said in his simple silly Stan Laurel voice, “he was sadly misshapen.” He even scratched his head and gave them that sheepish confused grin.
Gary laughed as he cried. “Mistaken!” Even Brett wiped a tear away as they wrapped their arms around their father.
Bill the White Rabbit hopped straight for Marcia. “Oh boy, you don’t know what I’ve been through in the last few hours! Or was it days? They kept us down there in the dark, and it was really scary, too! The Red King kept saying all of you were dead and gone and buried. Thank Wonderland you’re not! You’re here! And I’m here! And I’m…”
Marcia finally put her hand on his muzzle. “Ok, you’re happy to be out. Enough already.”
“Aw, did we have to move?” The Doormouse yawned. “I had such a good nap down there in the dark…”
Charles grabbed him by the furry vest. “Not now! We need everyone’s help. Brett’s holding a tea party, and we have to get the scepter from the Red King.”
“Mom,” Adam asked, frowning, “now that you’re queen, can we go home?”
Brett sighed. “After the tea party, honey. Let’s see what this is all about. Then we’ll go home.”
“Ok, lady.” Jack offered her his arm. “Wanna go see what they got to eat at this shindig?”
Charles took her other arm. “I’ll help you pour the tea.”
She grinned. There hadn’t been this many men fighting for her since she first came to New York in the 40’s. “Lead on, gentlemen! The tea party of the century waits for no one!” Marcia took Bill’s paw, Jimmie squawked over their heads, Richard’s sons took his hands, Orson shoved the Doormouse down the hall, and her boys put their arms around each other as they brought up the rear.
Tom Kennedy the Frog Footman met them at a heavy wooden door. “This way, Your Majesty,” he droned. “All 90 guests are ready for the party to begin.”
“Ninety!” Brett groaned. “I’m not sure I even know ninety people! How will I ever handle this?”
“Mom, it’ll be ok.” David put a hand on her shoulder. “You have us.”
“That’s right,” Charles added. “Remember, my friends and I know all about wild tea parties. We’ll have this crowd calmly drinking tea and eating jam and bread in no time!”
Brett made a face. “I’m not sure about that. I saw your tea party back in Wonderland.”
“Aw, we’ll be fine.” Jack snorted. “Anyone gets outta line, me n’ Dawson knows how to handle them. Right, Rich?”
Richard looked up from chatting with one of his boys. “Hm? Oh. Well, yes, I suppose we do know something.”
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