Bill Anderson played “For She’s a Jolly Good Fellow” on his guitar, with everyone singing louder and louder on every stanza. Everyone except for the small man with the white hair in the chair on the end. The Red King no longer sported a crown over his snowy locks, and his red robes were a bit faded and tarnished. His self-satisfied smile had been replaced by a glare of pure hatred.
“Brett!” Fannie waved them over to three large throne-like chairs near the head of the table and two slightly smaller ones. “Here! We’re so glad you made it!”
Helen gave her a warm smile. “You missed the soup and fish. We’re about to serve the roast.” She waved her hand at the large haunch of beef glazing in its own juices in the center of the table. “Roast, say hello to Brett. Brett, this is the roast.”
She swore she saw the Red King smirk, lean over, and wave the scepter. A faint red glow surrounded the roast. As it subsided, it got up, bowed before Brett, and started dancing a jig to Bill Anderson’s song.
“Um, he’s a good dancer,” Brett admitted, “but can’t we get along with slicing him for dinner?”
“Sorry, Queen Brett.” The Red King smirked. “Can’t slice anyone you’ve been introduced to. That’s the rules here. Remove the roast!”
Brett glared at him as several animals took it away. “Watch it. This is my castle now, pal, not yours. I give the orders here!”
“Maybe.” The Red King's tiny smile chilled her to the bone. “Maybe not.”
The Unicorn squealed with glee as more servants brought in the next dish. “Ooh,” she giggled, clapping her hooves in glee at the familiar thick round, “it’s a plum cake! We never did get to finish the other one!”
Brett made a face at Fannie. “Don’t introduce this one, or we’ll never have anything to eat!”
The red light surrounded it before anyone could stop him. Suddenly, the plum cake jumped up on little legs and glared at Brett. “How’d you like me to eat you, Your Majesty? It’s not very nice to discuss eating someone right in front of them!”
Brett gritted her teeth. “This is getting ridiculous. I won’t have you making a farce out of this, Red King. Give me that!”
She yanked at the scepter with every ounce of her strength, but the Red King proved deceptively strong despite his slender figure. “Oh no, Somers,” he continued amiably, “I’m not giving up my power that easily!”
“I don’t want your damn power!” Brett snarled. “I want to go home! Just leave these weirdos alone and let them play their game!”
The Red King snorted. “They’re not playing my way. Flitting about like a bunch of fools! Caucus races, croquet games with no rules, arguing over simple things like rattles and inventions. They should be following the rules, not behaving like children!”
Brett looked him straight in the eye. “You really don’t understand, do you? Have you ever just let go? Don’t you just get a little crazy once in a while? Just, you know, have a good time? Hon, it can be fun to be a kid.”
“If I’m foolish,” the Red King hissed, “I lose everything. People have been made fools of before. They didn’t play by the rules. I can’t lose control, or I’ll be checkmated…”
“And you’ll lose your company,” Brett added softly. “I’ve heard this from my boss before. Hon, I don’t want to be queen. Not everyone does. I want to have a good time, not always be in control of everyone. It isn’t possible.”
The Red King raised his chin. “It is for me. It has to be. Otherwise, who am I?” He finally managed to shove her away. “You were never a queen. I don’t know how you checkmated me, but you had to have help from all of these morons. Against the rules, you know. I’ll have to get rid of you…”
“No!” Jack leaped at him first as David and Adam rushed to her side. “Boss, leave her alone! She’s queen now, an’ that’s all there is to it!”
Brett couldn’t have been happier when Betty White, still dressed as the Queen of Hearts, shoved her way into the room, Allen and the Card Guards on her heels. “Boys, arrest that man! Off with his robe! He’s accosting a new queen! That’s against the rules, too!”
“Well, well?” Richard stepped in front of him. “Who’s breaking the rules now?”
The Red King’s eyes widened. “Wait. You’re supposed to be dead!”
“Am I?” Richard chuckled. “How peculiar. I’m very alive, no thanks to you.” As he drew closer to the scepter, the Vorpal Sword began to glow. “I think the lady should have the honor of getting rid of this!”
Everyone pulled back, gasping as the Red King withdrew a long, thin sword from his cane. “Thank you for finding me the Vorpal Sword, White Knight. It’ll make my magic twice as powerful.”
“No, wait! Boss!” Jack yelped. He and Richard leaped for him at the same time. Jack managed to deflect his sword as Richard got his hand on the scepter.
“Here…Brett,” he said. “Your name is Brett. I remember you. This is yours.”
Brett frowned. “No, it’s not. I’m already queen of my own little domain. I have my own game.” She smiled at Charles, who smiled back over his tea cup. “And friends to share it with. And that suits me just fine.” She put the crown on Richard’s head. “You helped me with that last square. You deserve this, a lot more than I ever did. Don’t say I always steal the spotlight! I know when to share with other actors.”
Charles snorted behind her back. “Since when?” Orson elbowed him.
“Thank you.” Richard turned to the Red King, who remained deadlocked with Jack. He finally threw him into the wall…just as Richard leaped at him. “Red King,” he snapped, “Miss Brett and I checkmate you for good! ‘Which is easier to do, un-dish-cover the fish, or undishcover the riddle?’ Come around the bend, for your magic,” he slammed his sword into the scepter, “is at an end!”
The moment Dickie broke the ball on top of the scepter, everything went insane. “Sir Richard!” Brett breathed a sigh of relief when Greg and Dickie’s other two Card Guard friends flanked his side. “What happened? The Red King…he held a ball over us, and then…”
“And then,” Larry the Club Guard went on quickly, “all we remember is we were in a line with the other Red Guards in the castle! They’re all gone now! Just piles of armor.”
“Helen?” Gene stumbled in, followed by Allen, Marcia, and Bill the White Rabbit. “Helen? Is that you?” He yawned. “Why do I feel so sleepy? I was taking the nicest nap, when these three said there was a tea party at the Red King’s Castle…”
His wife only threw her arms around him. “Oh, thank goodness, dear! You’re all right!” She kissed his neck, then nodded at Richard. “Thank the new King over there.”
“Richard?” He bowed low before him. “How can we ever thank you?”
Richard put an arm around Brett. “Thank this elder maiden.”
“Dickie…Richard,” Brett made a face, “I appreciate it, but could you please stop calling me ‘elder?’” She went to Jack, who rubbed his back as three Card Guards hauled the Red King to his feet. “Jack,” she went on softly, “I guess I ought to thank you.”
“Nahh, lady, it’s me who ought to thank you.” She couldn’t help blushing as Jack gave her a kiss on the cheek. “You’re ok, lady. I’m glad I didn’t take you prisoner.”
The blush crept over her face, right down to her toes. She ignored her sons snickering behind her back. “I’m glad you did, too. Jack…”
That was when the poof of purple smoke appeared over her head. “I’m glad you solved the riddles,” purred the Cheshire Catwoman. “But the game’s not over yet!” She gave Richard a kiss, then picked up the pieces of the scepter. “There’s still magic around, and things are never as they seem. Or are they, Your Red Kingness?”
Queen Fannie squeezed up against Brett, sandwiching her in. “I think they look fine, don’t you?”
“They certainly do!” Betty squeezed her up on her other side. “They look perfect!”
Betty had to open her big mouth…just as the red light from the scepter swirled around the candlesticks. Suddenly, they grew a mile high and sparked off like fireworks on the Fourth of July! “Mom,” Adam wailed as he tried to stop a fork dashing off with a dish, “all the dishes are running out the door!”
“Mom,” David bellowed, “the tea cups are growing wings and flying away!”
The queens jostled Brett so much, they practically lifted her off the ground! The Cheshire Catwoman laughed and meowed as people ran helter-skelter, trying to catch the food or flee the room. Charles and Orson attempted to catch the tea cups in vain. The little things darted away from their fingers the second they got close. The Doormouse crawled under the table and went to sleep.
“Wild party, isn’t it?” Helen’s face somehow manifested amid the waves of the tomato soup in the large tureen. “You’re right! Who needs rules when you can do whatever you want?”
“But…” Brett managed a gasp as she pushed away from the table. “You need some rules! I didn’t say to get rid of all of them!”
Richard frowned as he chased the jelly dessert, which dashed around the table on little wobbly legs. “This is your dream, Brett! Do something! Stop all this!”
“Oh, I’ll stop it!” She seized the brocade table cloth and yanked it hard as she could. Everything - dishes, guests, royalty, and sparking candles - collapsed in a heap on the floor. The Chesire Catwoman kept laughing over her head, joined by the Red King.
“You!” Brett grabbed Jack and shook him until his armor rattled. “This is your fault! Tell your boss to do something about this blasted bloody magic!”
Jack’s voice seemed to be further and further away. “Ain’t nothin’ I can do. You said you didn’t want any rules. We’re playin’ the game your way now!”
“Jack Klugman, I’ll…I’ll…shake you into a deck chair!” And as she did, Jack’s armor became shinier and even more dented, his front piece grew into a woven red plaid weave, and his legs lengthened into spindly aluminum…
“Honey? Hon? Brett? Audrey? Hey, doll! What are you doin’ with that deck chair?”
“Huh?”
When she opened her eyes, she found herself on the ground in her own backyard, clutching her red plaid lawn chair. Charles helped Jack move the lawn chair from where it fell on top of her. Gary still snoozed at the picnic table, holding his daughter in his lap.
“Susan,” Charles fussed, “are you alright? You had a nasty nightmare there.”
“Yeah, hon,” Jack brayed. “What the hell were you dreamin’ about that made you wanna shake a deck chair to death?”
“Wha…what in the…” Brett shoved the lawn chair aside. “You guys wouldn’t believe what I just dreamed about!” She made a face at Alice In Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass on the table between her and Charles. “They ought to put warning signs on that book. Not to sound like Judy Garland, but Jack, you were in my dream, and so were you, Charles, and the boys, and Dickie…Richard and his boys, and Gary, and Betty and Allen, and almost everyone on the show, even Mark Goodson.”
Jack smirked. “No place like home, huh, doll?”
“This is a very sick woman.” Charles lay his hand on her forehead. “I think we need to call for a nurse.”
“Ok, you jokers.” Brett shoved his hand aside as the boys trotted out, carrying their backpack and duffel bag. “Jack, when did you finally get in?”
“Honey, I’m sorry!” He frowned. “I got stuck in the traffic on the Expressway. You know what it gets like around here.”
She sighed. “Jack…” She finally reached up and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “It’s all right.” The boys elbowed each other and snickered. Charles quirked an eyebrow, but kept his mouth shut for once.
David reached over and gave her a huge hug. “See you on Sunday night, Mom!”
His little brother threw his arms around her waist. “We’ll miss you!”
“I’ll miss you too, sweetness.” She shooed them after Jack. “It’s only a weekend. I’ll be here when you get home. I love both of you!” Her eyes went to her husband’s retreating form. “You take care of our babies! Don’t let them eat too much ice cream, and don’t take them to the track!”
“I won’t, I won’t!” Jack yelled behind him. “Sheesh,” he added, “you’d think that woman would learn to have a little fun once in a while…”
Charles saw her eyes water. “They’ll be back, Susan. Jack’s their father. He’ll take care of them.”
“Yeah,” Brett gulped, “but who’s gonna take care of him?” She dabbed at her eyes with the crumpled tissue Charles handed her. “I guess…well, they’re getting older now. They have to play the game their way.”
Charles put an arm around her. “Janet called and said she should be here for Gary and Gina any minute. After they go, why don’t we pick up Betty and Fannie and have a night on the town? Drink at all our favorite haunts. My treat. I think you need it.”
“I think I do. You may regret that, Charles.” She gathered the book under her arm after righting the deck chair. “Whatever we do…let’s not go out for tea!”
“Tea? That’s the last thing on my mind. I figured maybe a nice, neat vodka martini, no chaser.” He took her arm. “Shall we go, Susan?”
She linked her elbow as a grin wide as the Cheshire Catwoman’s spread over her face. “We shall, Victor.”
As she made her way across the lawn with Charles, she swore she saw a white rabbit by the bramble bushes wearing a blue pea coat with brass decorations wink at her. When she looked again, she saw nothing but a white blur darting into the branches.
The End
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