Saturday, December 16, 2023
Original Fairy Tale, Part I
Friday, July 14, 2023
Friends and Blank - A Match Game Short Story
Rated: PG (Discussion of divorce and sexual situations)
Set: October 15th, 1977, between filming of 1093 and 1094
It surprised Betty White when her friend Brett Somers was sitting alone in the back of the employee lounge area where their lunch was held. Or maybe it shouldn’t have, given the comment that contestant Denise said to her. Betty was seething herself, although she was professional enough not to show it on the air. How could that contestant be so rude? Bringing up Brett’s ex-husband Jack Klugman running around with some blonde at the Hollywood Race Track was tacky, short-sighted, and just plain mean.
What an introduction! Betty grumped to herself as she filled a plate with food in the Green Room. Denise probably thought she was tossing out some juicy little tidbit a girlfriend told her to pass on. She may not have realized how contentious and difficult Brett and Jack’s separation had been, or how hard it was on Brett…but that didn’t mean she should have said it in the first place.
It didn’t escape her that the only person who matched Denise was TV talk show hostess Sarah Purcell, who didn’t know Brett well. In fact, Denise’s first answer to the question about what hot object the barber had used on a customer had been rather good. Her second answer was terrible, though. Betty normally wasn’t a fan of sitting in the sixth seat, but in this case, she was glad to send Denise on her way.
Betty managed to manipulate the heavy tray through the lines of people in the lounge area waiting to fill their plates with beef stroganoff and chicken a la king. “Penny for your thoughts?” She said jauntily to Brett as she sat down next to her. “The chicken a la king looks excellent. I thought the beef was a bit on the gloppy side.”
“Huh? Oh.” Brett barely looked up from pushing her food around on her plate. “Hi, Betty. What brings you here?”
“You.” Betty slid into the chair next to her. “Are you alright? Everyone heard what that lady said onstage…”
Her friend’s depressed countenance darkened instantly. “What that damn ass does is his own business. If he wants to run after blondes, what do I care? I obviously don’t mean anything to him anymore.”
“Brett.” Betty put her hand on her friend’s, her face heavy with concern. “She may not have meant any harm, but she did hurt you. You and Jack were married for eighteen years, Brett. That’s a long time to be together. Now, I haven’t known you that whole time, but I do know you’re more sensitive than you want to admit.”
“I thought,” Brett muttered softly to her chicken, “that we loved each other. That he loved me. At least, until the last couple of years. After we moved to California and I had Adam, he sort of seemed to settle down. Once we got here, though, we just…all we ever did was argue. I thought I was happy taking care of the boys, but I guess I was really bored.”
“Brett, don’t blame yourself.” Betty didn’t like the haunted look in her friend’s dark eyes. “Jack’s got a healthy appetite for just about everything, including sex. He did suggest you for this show, after all. He wanted you to get out.”
She pushed her chicken a la king around. “I needed to get out, and I knew darn well what he was saying about me on this show.”
“You’re doing a lot better, though.” Betty picked up the salt and added it to her bland chicken. “All jokes aside, I think you’ve done great on the show. You’ve won some people money, haven’t you? And you have a regular job, which is more than Jack can say right now. He’s just doing those Quincy movies for NBC. I’ve heard that they might be picked up for a full series, but it’s not a sure thing.”
Brett took a long swig from her glass of vodka. “And I wouldn’t give up this for the world. Helping these people win money and tossing out jokes with you and Charles keeps me sane. My boys are getting older. Dave will be in college next year. They don’t need me like they used to. These people still need me. And you, and Charles, and even Dickie…Richard.”
Betty put a hand on her shoulder. “I know how you feel. My first marriage didn’t work out. We were young, and he wanted a traditional little wife. At least Jack understood that you wanted to work. He encouraged you. He’s the one who got you this job.”
“And that’s one of the only things I’m grateful for nowadays.” Brett sighed. “If Jack hadn’t suggested me for this job, I don’t know what I would have done. Gone crazy, probably. He thought I was just getting out of the house. I don’t think he expected me to make a career out of it.” She managed a few spoonfuls of chicken. “Where’s Allen? I’m surprised he’s not watching the show.”
“He’s filming Liar’s Club at Metromedia Studios.” She grinned. “I was going to meet him for cocktails after filming. How’d you like to come with us? You could bring Charles or Nipsey.”
“Nipsey told me earlier he has to get to Lake Tahoe for a show.” Brett smirked. “I know for a fact that Charles is between boyfriends at the moment. Bet he’d love to get out and do something. I’ll ask him before shooting starts.” She smiled and put an arm on her friend’s shoulder. “Thanks, Betty. I guess I needed an ear to bend.”
“Anytime. My ear is always open.” She took both their plates. “I think we’d better get back to the studio. Ira will have an aneurysm if we’re late.”
“He’s had enough lately.” Brett left her glass in a bin and grabbed a bottle of club soda and a cup. “I don’t think Dickie’s forgiven him for the School Riot incident. What was Ira thinking? If he matched Ed and me, he should have matched all of us. If Charles and I hadn’t come up with the 'victims' bit on the stairs, the audience might have started scaling the walls.”
Betty made a face and took her own club soda. “I’m glad I missed that. Patti Deustch told me about that. She was terrified to even hold up her answer, poor woman. Considering Ira’s never been especially consistent with the rules, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s not the last time he and Richard clash over them.”
“I just hope they don’t cause any more trouble. I don’t think I can handle another riot.” Brett put an arm around Betty. “Come on. Let’s go help these people win some money.”
Betty nodded…but noticed that the smile didn’t quite reach Brett’s eyes. “Yeah. Maybe we’ll even find Charles a man.”
“Oh honey,” Brett smirked, “I think it’s years too late for that.”
Betty chuckled as they headed off. She was glad to see her friend smiling again. Brett deserves better, she thought. And she does have better. She has us.
Thursday, November 3, 2022
Change of Blank - A Match Game '90 Short Story
Friday, October 21, 2022
Acting Blank - A Match Game Short Story
Rated: PG (Language)
Set: Directly after the end of syndicated episode 481, taped 1981
Gene Rayburn looked for director Marc Breslow’s cue that the show ended. After he saw the familiar slashing motion, he turned to the six people sitting behind two risers next to him. “Hey, that wasn’t bad, crew.”
“Thanks, Gene.” McLean Stevenson bounced in his seat. “Do we have time before the next show? Some of us have to hit the little panelist’s room, if you know what I mean.”
Edie McClurg made a face on the end. “Wouldn’t hurt me, either.”
“I’ll go, too,” added curly-locked Sharon Farrell. “I need to freshen up a little.”
Brett Somers nodded at Charles Nelson Reilly. “Want to get a drink really quick before we start again?”
“Sure.” He climbed off the risers. “But only a little. I’d like to be able to sit up for the next show.”
His best friend sitting next to him smirked. “Do you ever?”
Bill Cullen chuckled at the seat on the upper tier next to Brett. “Those two are something else, aren’t they?”
“If you tell me what it is, I’ll have them cured of it,” Gene quipped. “Hey,” he added, “looking forward to that charity Christmas Carol we’re doing? I can’t wait to be Scrooge. It’ll be nice to play an old geezer besides Old Man Perriwinkle.”
“Well, I don’t know, old friend.” The shorter man sighed. “I’m not sure how you talked me into this. Acting…I’m not as into it as you.”
Gene’s mind already wandered to his performance. “Huh?” He shook out the images of being onstage and figuring out how he should play Scrooge. “Bill, you’re a man of the stage. You told me you did plays in high school. Don’t you love the idea of getting into a role and just…being someone else?”
“Not really.” Bill shrugged his bony shoulders. “I like who I am. I live a good life. I have a wife I love. I’m between jobs, but I like where I’m living. You ought to try moving here, Gene. The weather’s amazing. We found this great little place in Santa Monica…”
The Match Game host shook his head. “Oh no, Bill. I’m happier on the East Coast. Fewer phonies over there, and the air in Cape Cod is so clear, on sunny days, you can see straight across the bay.”
“You wouldn’t have to commute so much, Gene. I know all those plane rides can be exhausting. I had to do it when I hosted $25,000 Pyramid.”
Gene sighed. “I don’t mind the commute, really. My needlepointing is coming along nicely. I’ve had my work in galleries. That’s not really the problem. Bill, I love hosting this show, but…that’s all anyone thinks I am. Just a host. I can do more.”
“I don’t see why this is such a bad thing, Gene.” His smaller friend shrugged. “Maybe it doesn’t net us the most prestige in the world, but we get to meet a lot of interesting people, and we help them win prizes and money most of them need. What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing wrong with it, Bill. I enjoy it. I wouldn’t trade this,” Gene swept his arms around the blue and orange set, “for the world. I just…I’d like to try other things, too. I like being onstage, Bill. I like creating a part.”
Bill nodded. “You like being someone else. I can see it in your eyes. No one could host this show like you can, Gene. Your voices really add to the questions, and you have no problems doing all those crazy stunts.” He shrugged again. “I don’t do voices. I didn’t mind appearing on Captain Kangaroo because Bob Keenan is a dear man and a friend of mine, but I’m mostly happy just talking to people and throwing out a few jokes.”
“You’re better at it than you think.” Gene chuckled. “I’ve seen you work, not only here, but on To Tell the Truth. You’re as much of a ham as I am, Bill. You love the spotlight, too. Maybe not in the way I do, but…”
Bill had to grin himself. “We wouldn’t be in this business if we didn’t! That’s not the part I have problems with. I prefer to improvise. Memorizing a script, getting into costume…it’s a bit much for me, Gene. And I think it’s a bit much for you, too. I always wondered why you didn’t push harder with acting. Everyone knows how much you love it.”
“I’m busy. I do other things too, Bill. I work on my garden with Helen. I used to fly. You’ve flown with me!”
The smaller host shook his head. “You’re avoiding the question, Gene. Why don’t you try harder to get acting jobs? You probably could if you wanted.”
He sighed and leaned against the desks. “Maybe I’m a fan of improv, too. I really didn’t enjoy doing that one movie back in the sixties with Doris Day. All the camera set-ups, takes, the people ordering you around…it was too much. I’d rather be on the stage or TV, where you have one person giving you reasonable orders and don’t take all day to film one scene.”
“If you mean ‘It Happened to Jane,’ I was in that movie too, Gene.” Bill grinned. “I don’t know why you didn’t want billing. I thought you were hilarious.”
Gene made a face. “I barely did anything. I stood there and talked over Doris Day. I’d rather deal with one set and all of the cameras than everything going on in the movies. There just isn’t enough spontaneity.” He waved his hand at the contestant’s desk. “You never know what will happen here, and that’s how I like it. I like keeping on my toes. That’s what I like about theater, too. No two performances are alike.”
“I know, old friend.” Bill nodded as Edie and McLean slid into their chairs. “It’s what I like about our jobs. I enjoy the shows. I’m just not…well, maybe I’m insecure in a different way than you. I don’t need to create characters. I kind of like being one.”
His long-time friend gave his a wide white host’s grin. “You’ll know what you’re missing soon, old friend. We’re going to have a great time, appearing together. I can’t wait to order you around and cry over your Christmas dinner with the family.”
Bill gave him a small, nervous grin. “Thanks. And I have no idea what you’ll do as Scrooge, but if you have as much fun with the role as you usually do with Old Man Perriwinkle, I’m sure it’ll be memorable.”
“Hey Gene,” Brett brayed as she and Charles slid into their seats, “what were you an’ Bill doing? Chewing the fat?”
He nodded. “We were just talking, Brett.” Johnny Olsen came out behind him to warm up the crowd. “Everyone ready to win these people more money?” Chrouses of “Oh yeah!” and “You bet!” met his ears.
“Ok, Mr. Scrooge,” Bill chuckled, “let’s make these people rich and keep the Ghosts of Christmas at bay.”
“And all I have to say to that,” he grinned as he made his way backstage, “is bah humbug!”
He went behind the opening doors to the sounds of laughter, some of it probably inflected with liquor, and shouts. “This,” he murmured to himself, “is where the real fun lays. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have it. I want to act, and I want to do it more…but I love this, too, helping people win money. I wouldn’t give up this for the world.”
“Gene?” The stagehand broke his reverie. “You’re on.”
“Of course!” He laughed. “I’m always on!” He grinned at the man, then went down his stairs as Johnny Olsen announced his name to thunderous applause.
Thursday, October 6, 2022
Wedding Blank - A Match Game Short Story
Rated: PG (Language, discussions of divorce)
Set: Directly after the end of episode 1325, taped September 10th, 1978
~*~*~*~*~*~
“And that’s a wrap!”
Brett Somers swept the napkin off her head the moment the cameras shut off. “What was that all about?”
“I think most people call it a wedding.” Her ex-husband Jack Klugman tried in vain to open the bottle of champagne fellow Match Game panelist Charles Nelson Reilly brought out with him. “So why don’t you enjoy it?”
She glared at him. “No matter what those jokers say, we’re not married.”
“Who says?” He made a face, shaking the bottle. “Damn it. I think it’s empty, or low. Charlie probably found a prop bottle somewhere.”
“The state of California, last time I checked.” Brett grabbed the napkin before it hit the floor. “Why the hell did you grab me like that earlier? We were on the air!”
Jack smirked. “Since when did that stop us? It went along with the gag!”
His ex-wife blew out the candle nearest to her. “Some gag! You nearly knocked me off my chair!”
“You weren’t complainin’ about it at the time.” He blew out the other candle. “They were just tryin’ to have a little fun.”
“You’re one to talk. All you’ve done all this week is complain!” She gathered the ice bucket to drop it in the prop room. “Why did you start in on me with the ‘Hall of Fame’ Audience Match on the Monday show? There is a Hallmark Hall of Fame! You’ve watched them with Adam.”
“Ok, so I didn’t recognize it then! Sounded boring to me. I can’t tell one of those kiddie shows from another anyway.”
“Like ‘Football Hall of Fame’ is more interesting?” The second candle must have rolled under the desk after she put it out. “You just wanted to argue over something. You’re not happy unless you’re fighting.”
His gravely voice rumbled as her fingers fumbled around the shag carpeting. “At least they do somethin’ out there on the field besides kissin’ an’ cryin’!”
‘She finally retrieved the candle and climbed off her seat. “Here it is! Come on.” Her legs were already heading for the hall. “I’m gonna go get a drink before they start filming the nighttime show. Want to come with me?”
“What about Reilly n’ all them?”
“Charles went to talk to Gene about next week’s panelists. The others are likely in the green room already.”
He made a face. “Ain’t you had enough?"
“You’re one to talk!” She grumbled as she handed the candle over to one of the stagehands. “I saw everything you drank at dinner. You had more than I did!”
“I was nervous!” He jutted a finger at the small TV they passed in the men’s dressing room. “I was watchin’ the game between the Rams and the Falcons. I got good money ridin’ on the Rams. Glad they won.”
She threw up her hands in frustration. “Oh good gravy Marie! Can’t you just watch a game without betting on it?”
“See,” he started, “I got this angle…”
“You always have an angle!”
“What about you?” He grumbled as they made their way down the hall. “You spend any time you ain’t takin’ care of the boys drinkin’ an’ partyin’. At least I’m workin’.”
Her hands waved at the hallway around them as two camera women pushed their equipment past them. “What do you call that, sitting around? This is my job, Jack! And I love it! I love helping people win money. I love joking with Charles and Gene and Betty. I may not be making the money you are on Quincy, but I am bringing something home!”
“Yeah, and then you drink it all with Reilly in West Hollywood.”
“You’re just jealous.” She smirked. “I got propositioned by three actresses the last time Charles and I were over there who didn’t know I was straight.”
He glared at her. “You’re way too old for that.”
“And you’re not too old for some of those ingeunes you flirt with at the studio? I’ve seen you, Jack! I saw you when we were married!”
They stopped in front of the entrance. “So I helped a few girls. Gave them directions. Said nice things. What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing, if that’s all you were doing.” Two actors in plaid leisure suits pushed past them. “Jack, we’re blocking traffic. I need to call Adam and tell him I’ll be home soon as we tape the nighttime show.”
He turned on that little grin she found so charming twenty years ago in New York. “Darlin’...since we got married again today…well, sorta…I’d like to take you and Adam out to a late dinner. We won’t talk about nothin’ but him an’ little stuff. No work, no gamblin’, no drinkin’.”
His lips turned down when she shook her head. “No, Jack. I’m busy tonight. In fact, I’m busy a lot.” She touched his hand. “Let me get used to all this, Jack. To being alone again. To us not being…well, us. Then we’ll see how things are.”
“And then, we’ll…see?”
She sighed. “Maybe. Jack, I need to eat something.”
He watched as she took off for the lounge, probably to talk to Reilly. “Jack,” he muttered to himself, “boy, were you dumb. Let go of somethin’ good. Someday,” he said under his breath, “someday, maybe things will be different. Maybe we’ll be friends. Or, even, well…” he chuckled, “or even somethin’ more.”
That was when he remembered the Rams game. “Need to find out if those jerks won,” he muttered. He finally went to call his bookie in the men's dressing room…but his eyes followed his slender ex-wife as she strolled down the hall.
The End