Saturday, December 16, 2023

Original Fairy Tale, Part I

Once upon a time, there was a princess named Cora who lived in Cape Holly, a small land by the sea. Her parents promised her to the king of Pennlyn, a much larger kingdom on the edge of a thick woodland. They were known as one of the wealthiest and most fertile kingdoms in all the world. Cora didn’t care about their wealth. She was more intrigued by their king. He was said to not only be handsome and kind, but a fine ruler. Cora herself, while no sweeping beauty, was pretty enough, with her dark waves and snappy brown eyes, but she was also an intelligent scholar who had studied at university.

“They call him King Stephen the Just,” her father told her on the way to Pennlyn. “He’s said to be fair. Always considers both sides of the story before he passes judgment. He’s not a big spender, doesn’t have many parties. They say he’s quiet and studious, Spends most of his time in his library.” He took his daughter’s hand. “Very much like you, dear. I think this will be a perfect match.”

“He’s also quite charming,” her mother gushed. “I heard he’s the tall, dark, and handsome type. Long dark curls and flashing sable eyes and a smile that melts your heart. And he was a great soldier in the late war who led his men to victory. Quite a catch, as I’ve heard peasants say.”

Stephen’s country was primarily dark woods and beautiful old towns with sturdy towers and fine timbered homes. She’d love to explore them someday, when she could get away from the court. She loved roaming through old towns, finding the best deals and libraries and stores with wonderful books filled with favorite stories. Maybe he’d join her, if he really loved books and exploring as much as she did.

The carriage pulled up at the sprawling castle on the hill just outside of town. It was the largest, grandest building Cora had ever seen. Outside was a whole row of servants in blue and gold livery. The man who joined them was the tallest, most handsome man Cora had ever seen. His glossy black hair was stick straight, and his brown eyes had a reddish tinge to them that twinkled far more mischievously than they should have for a sober scholar. His wide glowing white grin held more than a hint of a smirk.

“Cora!” He threw his arms around her, muffling her in the folds of his velvet and sable robe. “I’m so glad you’re here! Let me look at you!” He swung her around, raising one perfectly arched eyebrow. “Well, you’re a little on the plain side, but you do have a marvelous figure. Where did you get that old rag you’re wearing? It’s totally out of date.” 

“This old rag,” Cora said sharply as she straightened the simple blue gown, “is my best dress. You don’t look like King Stephen, and you certainly don’t sound like him. Are you his brother?” 

He laughed heartily, but Cora saw a sneer under it. “I don’t? I’m the new, improved Stefan. I don’t sit in some dusty corner, hiding among my paperwork anymore. I get out and enjoy life.” He grasped her father’s hand in such a hearty handshake, her father nearly bounced off the ground. “Don’t worry, Your Majesty, I’ll take good care of your daughter. And is this your beautiful wife?” Her mother beamed as he gave her a big peck on the cheek. “Just gorgeous.” 

Cora knew something was wrong. She felt uncomfortable all through dinner. Stephan flirted outrageously with her mother, but his attempts to talk with her father came up short. He seemed to know little about the day-to-day lives of the citizens of his kingdom, and cared less for their feelings. He mainly chattered about the massive wedding he had planned for them and all the balls he intended to throw. 

“I dislike balls.” Cora made a face. “I’d rather enjoy a quiet night at home in the library than wasting my time and my country’s finances on parties.”

Stephen let loose with a condescending little titter. “Don’t be such a wallflower. There will be time for reading tomorrow, or the next day. As for running a country,” he chuckled as her father tried to cut in, “time enough for that, too. After all, they’re just peasants. I’m their king. They have to do what I say, or else.”

Cora frowned as she joined her father in the hall after dinner. “Papa, I don’t like this. I’m sure this isn’t Stephen. I don’t know who it is, but it isn’t him.”

He nodded. “Your mother thinks he’s a dream, but I say something is wrong. This man doesn’t know the first thing about running a kingdom. People don’t obey you just because you wear a crown. You have to earn their trust and respect.” He put his hand on her shoulder. “I want you to stay here. Find out who this man really is, and what happened to Stephen.” 

She made a face. “Papa, I’m not a spy! Why don’t we just ask him where the real Stephen is?”

Her father shook his head. “He’s too crafty for that. He’ll just toss out another bit of flattery. No, I think there’s more going on here than it looks on the surface.”

“I’ll try, Papa,” she said hesitantly. “I don’t like being with that man for longer than I have to, but I’ll try.”

That was when she saw two soft hazel eyes, surrounded by coarse, spiky black hair that stuck out in all directions peek around the corner. “Hey,” Cora said coaxingly. “You can come out. I won’t harm you.” 

His misshapen face was jumbled like someone had pulled out his nose and waddled his cheeks until they resembled a lumpy sour potato no one would want to eat. Those beautiful eyes were set at one side of his head and peered out through thick, almost girlish lashes. He was strong like an ox, with long, hairy arms and loping legs, but the vast hump on his back bent him over like a wizened old man.

“Hello there,” she murmured. “I didn’t see you with the others when I arrived.”

Stubby fingers big as three of hers around shyly produced a sunflower from the folds of his tattered burlap tunic. “Oh, thank you!” She gently took the bright sunny bloom. “I prefer sunflowers to roses or carnations. They’re so bright and cheery, and when the petals are gone, you can roast the seeds.” 

Unfortunately, Stephen bounded around the corner at that point. “There you are, Cora! There are members of the court who would love to meet you…” He glared at the hunchback. “What are you doing here? How did you get out? I locked you in the kitchen closet for a reason. Why are you looking at my fiance?”

“Oh, I don’t mind.” She smiled at the misshapen man. “What’s your name, sir?”

Stephen burst into his silly giggles. “He doesn’t talk. He can’t even write his name. He’s a mute half-wit I took in out of charity. We just call him Ugly.”

“I don’t think he’s ugly.” Cora gave him a sweet smile. “I think he’s very…unique.” 

He swung her around. “Ugly is ugly. You’d much rather look at something beautiful, like me. Come on. We’ll send your parents home, and show you off to the court.”

“Now?” She snapped first, before her father could open his mouth. “My parents just got here!”

He rolled his eyes. “They’re nice people, but we’re consenting adults. We don’t need chaperones.” 

“I was hoping, well, that I’d have more time with them…”

He rolled his eyes. “Don’t be a baby.” He turned to her father. “We’ll discuss her dowry after she leaves. It’ll be substantial, of course.”

“Of course…” the King began warily. He didn’t get the chance to finish before Stephen dragged Cora off down the hall to the ballroom.

The garden was a quiet spot at this time of the day. Most people were inside, avoiding the heat of the day. She wandered down the winding paths as she tried to gather her thoughts. No matter how much she told herself otherwise, she couldn’t bring herself to love Stephen. He didn’t seem like a man who led a country to victory. She suspected he probably couldn’t lead a hound to a fox.

The only people outside with her were the many gardeners who weeded, pruned the bushes, and planted and watered new flowers. They waved to her as they went about their work, but they otherwise left her alone. She knew she was supposed to love Stephen. He was handsome and charming, but also shallow and self-centered. He wanted her to be some little doll he could trot out at state functions, then put back into her trunk when she wasn’t wanted. 

Her own eyes popped open as she heard stumping footsteps. The hunchback servant limped around each sunflower and hollyhock, gently checking each petal and leaf for aphids and other damaging bugs. He lovingly spread a bag of rich dirt around them, then tugged off dead or yellowing leaves. His stumpy fingers struggled with a fat yellowing leaf on one towering pink hollyhock with red edges. She could see the frustration in his hazel eyes as it refused to budge.

“Here.” She smiled and knelt next to him. “Let me help you out there.” She put her fingers over his, grasping the leaf gently. It took a second, but they did manage to pull it off. “You know,” she added as she dusted off her hands on her skirt, “you’re a good gardener. The only time Stephen is ever out here is when there’s an outdoor party and he’s bragging about the philox to visiting nobles. You treat these flowers like your own children.”

His smile was nearly radiant, or as much as it could be on that grotesque face. “You really love these plants, don’t you? I’ve seen you out here before.” He nodded quickly. “I’m not a gardener, but I do think the garden is very pretty. I’d like to spend more time out here.” Her face fell. “If Stephen will let me out of his sight after we wed. He either ignores the flowers, or steps on them5. I heard Stephen the Just loved his garden, but this Stephen can’t tell a tiger lily from a lily of the valley.”

As she spoke, ants trooped across the plot of flowers. Instead of crushing them or harming them, the hunchback took the leaf they’d pulled from the garden and led them away from the flowers and over to a plot of grass on the other side of the path. “That was very kind of you. Those ants weren’t hurting anyone. They just wanted lunch.” 

“You!” Moriyata, the head gardener, came around the corner, shaking a rake. “You’re supposed to be tending to the flowers! Your Highness, I’m sorry if he frightened you…”

“Not at all.” She helped him to his feet. “You have an excellent worker here. He should be commended. The sunflower he brought me when I arrived was perfect. He has a good eye.” She leaned over and whispered at the hunchback. “Don’t let Moriyata bully you! You’re good at your job, and you’re a nice fellow.” She patted his rounded shoulder and went on her way…not noticing the hunchback’s sad hazel eyes following her the whole time.

The next few weeks were among the most boring of Cora’s entire life. Despite everything she’d heard about Stephen, they seemed to have nothing in common. All he did was go out hunting or carousing with his friends during the day, then throw lavish parties for them at night. He spent money like it was water on fine clothes, expensive carriages, and his many hangers-on. 

She loathed every minute of it. He tittered when she tried to talk about serious topics and made fun of her for preferring to sit in the library and read instead of go hunting with him and his giggly girlfriends. He had no patience to search for antiques with her in town, spending most of his time with his tailor getting another suit made, or to browse in bookstores or music shops.

Cora felt more at home in the kitchens and libraries than she ever did in the ballroom or court room. The servants tried to hustle her out, claiming it was no fit place for a lady, but she stayed on. “Where I come from,” she told Mrs. Wickers, the cook, one afternoon while rolling out the pastry for an apple pie, “men and women of all classes learn to cook. We’re small and lack resources. There’s only so many people to do the cooking for you.” 

That was when she heard the door slam. “Took you long enough, didn’t it, you disgusting thing?” Mrs. Primrose, the housekeeper, scolded the misshapen hunchback who carried the wood over his broad shoulders.”Could you have been any slower? Just drop the wood by the ovens and be off with you. You have to get those pots scrubbed by two, so I can start the soup.”

“That was unnecessary, Mrs. Primrose.” Cora knelt by the bent over creature. “He’s a living, breathing human, like you and me. I’ve seen him carry loads twice as heavy and move even faster.”

Mrs. Primrose snorted. “He’s a lazy good-for-nothing simpleton. You shouldn’t encourage him, Your Highness. It’ll make him even less likely to work.”

“Or more likely.” He grabbed a pot, only to grab at his back, wincing. “Oh, you poor man. Here.” She sat with him. “Let me help you. My mother always said work was good for your character, no matter who you were.” 

“Your Highness!” Mrs. Primrose’s little jaw dropped open. “You’re a princess! A princess never gets her hands dirty.” She took Cora by her arm and tugged her back to her feet.

She frowned, dusting herself off. “They do if someone needs help.”

Mrs. Primrose glared at him. “He doesn’t need help. He’s a servant.” The little man quivered under the tall, sharp woman’s rigid gaze. “His Majesty found him on the street. Took him in as a charity case.”

Cora made a face. “That doesn’t give anyone the right to treat him badly.” He gave her the most beautiful smile. It spread across his lumpy face like a beacon amid the pits and craters of his cheeks. 

“Your Highness!” Charleton, Stephen’s fussy valet, ducked into the kitchen just as she was going to give him a peck on his cheek. “My master wishes to see you right away. Something about a visitation with the Prime Minister of Almond Blossom Province and his wife.”

She sighed. “Darn it. I forgot about that. Denilee,” she handed the maid her apron, “please wash these with the others tonight.” 

She most of all hated those visitations. Cora had never known what to say to foreign dignitaries, even when she was with her father. She always let him do most of the talking. Stephen had no trouble doing most of the talking with the Prime Minister. He didn’t let her get a word in edgewise. All they’d do was gaze in his eyes, and they were all a twitter over his handsome looks and fine clothes and charming manners.

She preferred helping the peasants with their problems. She always tried to be fair with them and give the best deal for both sides. She wasn’t perfect, but more often than not, people left happy. Stephen didn’t seem to care. He yawned and ignored them when the farmers and merchants spoke, then sided with whomever had the most money or influence.

“Cora,” he said condescendingly after he awarded a plot of farmland to a rich merchant, instead of the peasant who originally owned it, “that peasant means nothing to me, other than someone who pays tax money. That merchant not only pays higher taxes, he could donate funds to our treasury.”

She glared at him. “That wasn’t fair. That land belonged to the peasant, and you know it. You didn’t even give him any recompense. He needs that land to plant crops and earn money for your ridiculous taxes.”

He looked intensely into her eyes, the dark orbs gaining a bloody red tinge. “You don’t care about some peasant, and you don’t see any trouble. You’ll do what I say.”

“No…yes…” Her mind suddenly went blank. “I need…I need air.” She hurried off before he could stop her.

The best place to think was wandering the halls of the castle. They were numerous and long, seeming to go on forever. She never knew what she’d find. The castle had dozens of little rooms and towers and alcoves that held every little treasure and fancy anyone could imagine. Lavish artwork lined the walls, most of them depicting Stephen’s ancestors.

While most of the paintings were of regal, serious men Stephen had boasted about, there was one portrait, almost hidden on a barely-used hallway, that she didn’t recognize. The man in the portrait looked a little like Stephen, with his heavy sable curls that flowed past his shoulders and gentle little smile, but his hazel eyes held far more kindness than mischief. He was a little bit older, too, with more lines in his face and silver on his temple that gave him the look of someone who was far more mature and had seen more of life than Stephen ever had. 

He sat on a stone bench in the garden, a book open on his lap. He wore no crown, no fine jewels or rich silks and velvets. His suit was plain, but well-tailored. Instead of a sword, he held a quill pen over the book. Those eyes…you could get lost in those eyes. They were much kinder than Stephen’s, she thought. Those eyes would never try to manipulate or force someone to do what they didn’t want to do. 

Even as her fingers brushed the oil paint, Stephen rounded the corner. “Cora!” He snapped angrily. “Where the hell have you been? You’re supposed to be having dinner with me in the dining hall!”

“Huh? Oh, hello Stephen.” She blinked, wondering how long she’d been standing here. “Stephen, who is this man? Is he a relative of yours? He looks like a slightly older version of you. His suit is a relatively new style, so this must be a recent portrait. Does he live here? How come I’ve never seen him?”

Stephen grabbed her hard by her arm, his eyes swirling into a blazing blood red. “You will forget about him!” His fingers pressed so hard into her soft flesh, she was sure he left bruises. “He’s a cousin who tried to steal what was rightfully mine! Just a soft-hearted fool. He means nothing to you.” He yanked her head to his scarlet eyes, his deep gruff voice a nearl-animal growl. “He. Means. Nothing. To. You! He is nothing! You will forget you ever saw him. You’ll forget everything. You are MINE! Everything is MINE!”

“I…” Cora tried to push him away, but those red eyes…she’d never seen anything so frightening, and yet so powerful. They drew her in before she could even blink. “I…no…” She pulled away. “I need…I need to leave…”

She nearly ran into the hunchback on the way down the hall. In fact, she just about fell over the little man. “Oof! I’m so sorry.” The bale of wood he carried slid to the floor, sending splinters everywhere. “Let me help you with that…” 

“What are you doing here?” Stephen flew at them, his cape billowing behind him like bat’s wings. “I’ve told you to stay downstairs! And look what you’ve done now. Running into MY fiancee! Making a mess! I ought to have you horsewhipped!”

Cora grabbed his hand. “You’ll do no such thing. I ran into him. It was a mistake. No harm done. The floor can be swept, and the wood is fine. There’s no reason to treat him like that!” 

He shoved the hunchback down the hall, nearly making him fall over again. “Get out of my sight! Go to the kitchen and stay there. I don’t want you scaring people in the halls.”

“Right now,” Cora snapped, “I’m more scared of you than I am of him! Why are you so hard on the poor man?”

Stephen rolled his eyes. ‘He’s just a servant, Cora. We have more important things to discuss, like our wedding.” He pulled her hard into his arms, kissing down them and around her neck. “I’ve already invited all the important people…organized the wedding dinner…we’ll be married in the throne room, where all the most important people can see us…you’ll wear a dress made by the finest seamstress here in the castle…”

“Wait.” She managed to push him away. “Do we really need all that pomp? Can’t we just have a small ceremony, with you and me and my parents and a few close friends?”

“Of course not.” He tittered loudly. “You’re so funny. You’re going to be the queen, and my wife. We’ll have the biggest ball of the year, and afterwards…”

Cora didn’t want to hear it. “Can we talk about this later? I need to…get a note out to my mother and ask her to help me choose linen and china patterns.” Actually, she had no intention of asking her mother any such thing. She only wanted to escape his smothering grasp and attempt to pinch her rear. 

She spent the rest of the afternoon asking everyone about the man in the artwork. No one in the castle recognized his description. Even Charleton and Mrs. Primrose drew a blank, and they’d been there for years. When she tried to find it again, she discovered that the artwork had been removed from the wall. No one saw it, or knew what happened to it.

Who the man was and where the artwork went plagued her well into the evening. She was still thinking about him, even as she laid down in her plush bed. Why did no one recognize him? Why was his artwork hanging with those of the other nobles? Where was he now? It kept running through her mind, even as she dropped off to sleep…

The garden was beautiful in the moonlight. It gave the well-manicured flower beds and rustling trees a ghostly air and made everything pure silver. Even the white gown she wore had a silvery glow under that round moon, and the fountain’s tinkle was like sweet silver bells. 

She found what she was looking for on the same stone bench in the portrait. He was there. She’d know him anywhere. He looked just as he did in the portrait, even with the book in his lap. He wasn’t smiling now, though. In fact, he seemed terribly sad as she settled down next to him. 

“Who…who are you?” She whispered. “Stephen won’t tell me anything about you. He said you were an usurper, but I can’t believe that…”

His slender hands, surprisingly rough and tanned for a king’s, went over hers. “Cora, the man you know as Stephen is a liar and an impostor. He stole everything I had and bound me and my kingdom with a terrible curse. He’s trying to put you under the same curse now. He wants you to forget me, like my people did.”

“I knew something wasn’t right about that man!” She frowned. “Wait. If you’re Stephen, who’s running the kingdom?”

He sighed in frustration. “He’s my younger cousin, Harron, a sorcerer who practices the dark arts. He manipulated my guards so they believed I was the impostor, then ordered them to take me prisoner and lock me away in my own dungeons. That’s how powerful he is. His magic turned an entire kingdom against their ruler.”

She rubbed his long, tanned fingers. “How can I help you? I’m an ordinary woman. I have no magic.” 

“Look beyond what you see on the surface. Things aren’t what they seem. And above all else, do not look into Harron’s eyes! That’s how he works his powers. He has the ability to hypnotize any being and force them to do his bidding.” 

Her mind whirled with dozens of questions, so many that they all spilled out at once. “How could all this be true? Are you still in the dungeon? Did they move you? I’ve only seen your portrait since I arrived, and Stephen…Harron threw a fit when he saw me looking at it.”

“You see me every day, Cora. I’m so close, but I can’t…when I’m near you, I can’t speak to you. I can’t even write my name. My hands…” His sorrowful eyes glanced down at the supple digits, watching as they flexed. “The curse…”

“Your hands are beautiful.” She leaned on his strong shoulder. “There’s something about you. Your eyes…your smile…I know I’ve seen them before, and not just in the painting.”

Cora, I’m so near by, but I can’t…tell you.” His gentle hazel eyes turned back to hers. “I can’t tell you how much I…I…”

“NO!”

They were about to kiss when a bolt of black light sizzled between them. Cora was thrown off the bench, landing hard on the dirt path. She moaned and rubbed her elbows, managing to sit up just in time to see a figure emerge from the bushes. “What in the…sir? Who are you?”

“That’s none of your concern, woman.” It was the Stephen she knew. He looked just like him, only he wore ebony robes with sable trim. Black light shot from his hand, forcing Stephen to his hands and knees before him. “This weakling was going to give the game away. He knows you’re supposed to find out on your own.”

“You,” Stephen hissed, “weren’t supposed to use your magic on her!”

His double glared at him. “She was being obstinate, poking her nose where it wasn’t wanted. I had to make the game more challenging.” His black light roughly twisted Stephen’s arms behind his back, making him scream in shock and pain. 

“Stop! Please!” Cora stumbled over to Harron and grabbed his arm. “Don’t hurt him! He’s done nothing wrong. He only wanted to see me.” 

The look of pure hatred he gave her with those swirling scarlet eyes sent her scrambling back into a tree. It twisted his handsome face, with its sharp chin and straight ebony hair, into an evil mask.  “He almost violated part of the curse. For that, he must be punished.” 

Harron’s beefy hands wrapped hard in Stephen’s glossy curls. “You belong to me, cousin!” Stephen screamed as he whipped his head back. “I’ll show you where that soft, stupid heart of yours gets you! You’re not fit to rule a kingdom, and you’re certainly not fit for this wench’s company!” 

Cora kept yanking at his arm and kicking at him. “Leave him alone!” She screamed along with Stephen when another wave of darkness sent him to the ground. “Stop! Stop hurting him!” She tried to grab his arm, but he shoved her away. 

“Forget him, woman. Forget you ever saw him.” He yanked her in front of his eyes as the scarlet-black light swirled. “Forget him…forget everything…”

“No! Oh no…” Everything swirled around her as she threw up her arm to protect from the red light. 

“Cora!” The real Stephen’s voice grew stiffer and more scratchy as the black light surrounded him. “Don’t…forget…things…aren’t…what they seem! Look…closer!” 

“I…oh…” She looked up at him, just as another wave of black magic blasted over her…

“Oh god, no!” She woke up screaming in her own room, her legs tangled in the sheets. It was only a dream, but it felt so real. Too real. She’d been having that dream, or one like it, for weeks. Someone was trying to tell her something. She changed into her gown before Denilee could help her dress and dashed out of her room.

In fact, she almost literally ran into the man she wanted to see in the hallway. “Cora!” Stephen…or was it Harron?...jumped away. “Whoa, sweetheart! What got into you? Are you being chased by some monster?”

“No, but…” She took a breath, then continued. “Stephen…I've had these dreams…”

He gave her his obnoxious little grin. “About me, I hope.” 

“Well,” she started again, “you were in it…”

“Tell me about it on the way to the dressmakers.” He took her arm. “We need to stop putting this off, Cora. We’re going to get married tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow!” She yanked her arm away. “But we aren’t ready yet! The dress isn’t finished, and we haven’t bought all the bridesmaids gifts, and…”

He yanked her chin up to his eyes. “We’re getting married tomorrow, my bride.” They swirled that same blood red she saw in her nightmare. “We’re going to be very happy. You will be my wife, my pretty little toy, and you will do everything I say. You will forget anyone and anything else. Dreams are just dreams. You can’t believe anything you see in them.”

“I…” She blinked, trying to remember what had frightened her so badly the night before. “I…”

He ran a finger down her cheek. “You’ll be a little doll to share my throne and produce heirs. You’re rather plain, but we could do something, dress you up in linens and lace…” 

She managed to duck away when he tried to nibble down her neck. “I think I’ll go to the dressmaker and see how my bridal gown is going.” Her mind was whirling when she left. There was something in her dream she wanted to remember…something about appearances being deceiving…but it eluded her. 

Friday, July 14, 2023

Friends and Blank - A Match Game Short Story

Rated: PG (Discussion of divorce and sexual situations)

Set: October 15th, 1977, between filming of 1093 and 1094


It surprised Betty White when her friend Brett Somers was sitting alone in the back of the employee lounge area where their lunch was held. Or maybe it shouldn’t have, given the comment that contestant Denise said to her. Betty was seething herself, although she was professional enough not to show it on the air. How could that contestant be so rude? Bringing up Brett’s ex-husband Jack Klugman running around with some blonde at the Hollywood Race Track was tacky, short-sighted, and just plain mean.


What an introduction! Betty grumped to herself as she filled a plate with food in the Green Room. Denise probably thought she was tossing out some juicy little tidbit a girlfriend told her to pass on. She may not have realized how contentious and difficult Brett and Jack’s separation had been, or how hard it was on Brett…but that didn’t mean she should have said it in the first place.


It didn’t escape her that the only person who matched Denise was TV talk show hostess Sarah Purcell, who didn’t know Brett well. In fact, Denise’s first answer to the question about what hot object the barber had used on a customer had been rather good. Her second answer was terrible, though. Betty normally wasn’t a fan of sitting in the sixth seat, but in this case, she was glad to send Denise on her way. 

Betty managed to manipulate the heavy tray through the lines of people in the lounge area waiting to fill their plates with beef stroganoff and chicken a la king. “Penny for your thoughts?” She said jauntily to Brett as she sat down next to her. “The chicken a la king looks excellent. I thought the beef was a bit on the gloppy side.”

“Huh? Oh.” Brett barely looked up from pushing her food around on her plate. “Hi, Betty. What brings you here?”

“You.” Betty slid into the chair next to her. “Are you alright? Everyone heard what that lady said onstage…”

Her friend’s depressed countenance darkened instantly. “What that damn ass does is his own business. If he wants to run after blondes, what do I care? I obviously don’t mean anything to him anymore.”

“Brett.” Betty put her hand on her friend’s, her face heavy with concern. “She may not have meant any harm, but she did hurt you. You and Jack were married for eighteen years, Brett. That’s a long time to be together. Now, I haven’t known you that whole time, but I do know you’re more sensitive than you want to admit.”

“I thought,” Brett muttered softly to her chicken, “that we loved each other. That he loved me. At least, until the last couple of years. After we moved to California and I had Adam,  he sort of seemed to settle down. Once we got here, though, we just…all we ever did was argue. I thought I was happy taking care of the boys, but I guess I was really bored.”

“Brett, don’t blame yourself.” Betty didn’t like the haunted look in her friend’s dark eyes. “Jack’s got a healthy appetite for just about everything, including sex. He did suggest you for this show, after all. He wanted you to get out.”

She pushed her chicken a la king around. “I needed to get out, and I knew darn well what he was saying about me on this show.” 

“You’re doing a lot better, though.” Betty picked up the salt and added it to her bland chicken. “All jokes aside, I think you’ve done great on the show. You’ve won some people money, haven’t you? And you have a regular job, which is more than Jack can say right now. He’s just doing those Quincy movies for NBC. I’ve heard that they might be picked up for a full series, but it’s not a sure thing.” 

Brett took a long swig from her glass of vodka. “And I wouldn’t give up this for the world. Helping these people win money and tossing out jokes with you and Charles keeps me sane. My boys are getting older. Dave will be in college next year. They don’t need me like they used to. These people still need me. And you, and Charles, and even Dickie…Richard.”

Betty put a hand on her shoulder. “I know how you feel. My first marriage didn’t work out. We were young, and he wanted a traditional little wife. At least Jack understood that you wanted to work. He encouraged you. He’s the one who got you this job.”

“And that’s one of the only things I’m grateful for nowadays.” Brett sighed. “If Jack hadn’t suggested me for this job, I don’t know what I would have done. Gone crazy, probably. He thought I was just getting out of the house. I don’t think he expected me to make a career out of it.” She managed a few spoonfuls of chicken. “Where’s Allen? I’m surprised he’s not watching the show.” 

“He’s filming Liar’s Club at Metromedia Studios.” She grinned. “I was going to meet him for cocktails after filming. How’d you like to come with us? You could bring Charles or Nipsey.” 

“Nipsey told me earlier he has to get to Lake Tahoe for a show.” Brett smirked. “I know for a fact that Charles is between boyfriends at the moment. Bet he’d love to get out and do something. I’ll ask him before shooting starts.” She smiled and put an arm on her friend’s shoulder. “Thanks, Betty. I guess I needed an ear to bend.”

“Anytime. My ear is always open.” She took both their plates. “I think we’d better get back to the studio. Ira will have an aneurysm if we’re late.”

“He’s had enough lately.” Brett left her glass in a bin and grabbed a bottle of club soda and a cup. “I don’t think Dickie’s forgiven him for the School Riot incident. What was Ira thinking? If he matched Ed and me, he should have matched all of us. If Charles and I hadn’t come up with the 'victims' bit on the stairs, the audience might have started scaling the walls.” 

Betty made a face and took her own club soda. “I’m glad I missed that. Patti Deustch told me about that. She was terrified to even hold up her answer, poor woman. Considering Ira’s never been especially consistent with the rules, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s not the last time he and Richard clash over them.”


“I just hope they don’t cause any more trouble. I don’t think I can handle another riot.” Brett put an arm around Betty. “Come on. Let’s go help these people win some money.”


Betty nodded…but noticed that the smile didn’t quite reach Brett’s eyes. “Yeah. Maybe we’ll even find Charles a man.”


“Oh honey,” Brett smirked, “I think it’s years too late for that.” 


Betty chuckled as they headed off. She was glad to see her friend smiling again. Brett deserves better, she thought. And she does have better. She has us.

Thursday, November 3, 2022

Change of Blank - A Match Game '90 Short Story

Rated: PG (Language) 
Set: Directly after the end of episode 30, taped August 30th, 1990

“And that’s a wrap!”

“Finally!” Brett Somers turned to Charles Nelson Reilly and stretched. “I thought that would never end!”

Her long-time friend shrugged. “I don’t know. I had a good time. I kind of wish the Coast Guard officer won. He didn’t play too badly, and it’s nice to see someone from the Coast Guard on the show.”

She smirked. “You thought he was cute.”

“Well, he wasn’t bad.” Charles smirked. “You’re just jealous. He didn’t look at you twice.”

“Shannon was close to throwing herself at him. And you always say I’m desperate!” She made a face. “What got into that girl, anyway? He wasn’t that cute. And besides, he’s way too young for me.” She made a face. “Did I throw myself at the men like that in the 70’s, Victor?”

“Much worse, Susan. You were so obvious, I think you were this close to giving half of them your phone number.”

Brett sighed. “Better than reading my phone number on the bathroom stalls.” She frowned as Ross Schafer, the young host of the show, ambled over. “What does he want?”

“Probably to congratulate you on your first week back. You did do a good job.”

She groaned. “It was terrible, Charles! That new Match Up bit is terrible. I couldn’t keep up with it. Who came up with that, anyway?”

“The boss’ son, so be nice.”

She would be the first person to admit that Ross was actually a very good-looking young man. If she were ten years younger…maybe five…she’d be all over him. And he could certainly be funny when he wanted to be. He just didn’t have Gene’s acting ability or his randy charm. Not to mention, his ability to reign in the panelists. 

“Brett,” he said gently, “you’re doing better at the Match-Up, but Johnathan Goodson told me you really need to pick up the pace.”

“Is that who came up with Match Up?” Brett made a face. “Goodson’s kid? I remember when I used to bounce him on my knee! He’s just a boy.”

“Boy or not,” Ross pointed out drily, “he’s the producer of this show. He says we needed something more enticing, to make the game more exciting.”

She rolled her eyes. “Figures a kid would miss the point. It’s not about the game. It’s about the comedy.”

“Brett,” Ross began gently, “I’m only telling you what he said…”

“He’s as humorless as his father. Goodson never understood this show, either.”

Charles put a hand on her shoulder. “Down, Brett. He is our boss.” 

“Actually,” Ross admitted, “I agree with her. I like Goodson well enough, but his sense of humor tends to dry up when you’re talking about his shows…and that’s true about his son, too. But,” he added, “it isn’t really my place or yours to say. We just have to do the best we can with what we’re given.”

“I am doing my best!” Brett grumbled. “I go as fast as I can. This is just…not everyone thinks that fast. Some of us need to take our time. What was wrong with us just trying to match the contestant with our answers, the way we used to?” 

“Brett,” Charles said calmly, “it’s not Ross’ fault or ours. It’s the way the rules work.”

“Gene never really followed the rules,” Brett muttered. “He listened to Goodson, and then played the game his way.”

Ross sighed. “That’s what I’m trying to do. Brett…I’m not Gene Rayburn. I know I’m not. I understand he’s your friend and you’re used to him. I’m not trying to replace him. I don’t know why they hired me and not him, but all I want is for you to just listen to me and play along.”

“Brett,” Charles said with a weary sigh, “I miss Gene, too. He is a good friend. They just went another route, that’s all. They wanted someone different.”

“Why?” Brett snapped. “What was wrong with the way things were before? It worked then, didn’t it? I used to have fun doing the old show. It was so crazy, you never know what would happen. No Match Ups, and the wheel didn’t come until later. And they mainly did it so the contestants wouldn’t call on Richard Dawson for the Head-to-Head so much. Where is he, by the way? Whatever happened to that little Lothario?”

Charles shrugged. “Word in Burbank is he retired after he married a Family Feud contestant and is helping to take care of their daughter. His interest is in his family now.” He put a hand on his best friend’s. “Brett, please. For me. I’m enjoying doing the show. I like being here, but I miss you being next to me. You’re my best friend. We always have fun together.”

“I’m retired too, Charles.” She sighed. “I retired for a reason. I can’t do this anymore. Nothing against you, Ross,” she added, “but I miss Gene, and Fannie, and the others. TV isn’t as much fun anymore. People don’t just let things happen, and that’s what I like. You were always more interested in your career than I was, anyway, Victor.” 

Ross nodded. “Nothing against you either, Brett. I’m glad to have met you. Johnathan just wanted fresh blood, and something different. He said the show moves too slowly for TV nowadays and had gotten too stale.” 

“I’m not sure I agree with that,” Charles admitted. “I think we do our best when we can focus on the questions and have fun with them. Ross, that includes you too. Aren’t you looking forward to Halloween?” 

Ross grinned. “Oh yeah. They say they’re going to decorate and let us wear costumes. I know what I’m going to be! Ronn Lucas has been pestering me about dressing up for the Halloween show and doing something big with Scorch.” 

“Ok,” she chuckled, “I’ll be the first one to admit that the Halloween show sounds like it would be fun. I’d have to ask, but I’d love to be on the show that week. I know what I’d dress-up as, too.” She nudged Charles. “What about you? How about a ghost? You could bring in Hope Lange and wear a cut-out sheet.”

He rolled his eyes under his thick glasses. “No, Brett. For one thing, Hope’s busy doing ads for that radio movie she just filmed. For another, I don’t think anyone remembers that show anymore. I do have something in mind, though.”

“How about The Great Hoo-Doo, the bad guy who lived in the top hat you did on that weird kid’s show years ago?”

Charles wrinkled his nose, and his lips puckered like a lemon. “I am never wearing that God-awful green makeup ever again!”

That’s when they heard the burst of masculine laughter. “Ok, you two,” Ross chortled next to them, “save it for the show. Now I understand why Charles insisted we have you on, Brett. You two are a real riot when you’re together, whether the cameras are rolling or not.” 

“Thanks.” Brett couldn’t help laughing herself. “We are, aren’t we? I have to admit, I did miss this. I miss…well, I missed a lot of things.” She gave the younger man a small smile. “You’re not Gene, but you are an appreciative audience. Thanks for listening, Ross.” 

“Actually,” Ross said as he put his microphone on a desk, “I’m honored. I watched this show when I was a teenager after school. I’m glad to be here. I haven’t had this much fun in years. The changes aren’t my idea.” 

“Hey Ross,” Charles went on, “want to go out to lunch with us? We know this great bar down the street that serves the most amazing Sex on the Beaches you ever tossed down your throat.”

“That’s all right, Charles. I’m not much for heavy drinking.” Ross waved them on. “You two professionals go on ahead. I’m just going home and into bed.”

Brett mock-sighed heavily. “Children these days! They don’t know how to do these things properly.” She took his arm. “Shall we do the town, Victor? Maybe we could even call Patrick and have him meet us there.”

Her best friend grinned wickedly. “Sounds like a night to me. We shall, Susan.”

Ross shook his head as he watched them leave. “Those two are incredible. I just hope they’re able to walk upright tomorrow. We’ll need Charles at the next taping.” He followed after them, just as the lights went off over the chrome-and-plywood set.

THE END

Friday, October 21, 2022

Acting Blank - A Match Game Short Story

Rated: PG (Language) 

Set: Directly after the end of syndicated episode 481, taped 1981


Gene Rayburn looked for director Marc Breslow’s cue that the show ended. After he saw the familiar slashing motion, he turned to the six people sitting behind two risers next to him. “Hey, that wasn’t bad, crew.”


“Thanks, Gene.” McLean Stevenson bounced in his seat. “Do we have time before the next show? Some of us have to hit the little panelist’s room, if you know what I mean.”


Edie McClurg made a face on the end. “Wouldn’t hurt me, either.” 


“I’ll go, too,” added curly-locked Sharon Farrell. “I need to freshen up a little.” 


Brett Somers nodded at Charles Nelson Reilly. “Want to get a drink really quick before we start again?” 


“Sure.” He climbed off the risers. “But only a little. I’d like to be able to sit up for the next show.”


His best friend sitting next to him smirked. “Do you ever?”


Bill Cullen chuckled at the seat on the upper tier next to Brett. “Those two are something else, aren’t they?”


“If you tell me what it is, I’ll have them cured of it,” Gene quipped. “Hey,” he added, “looking forward to that charity Christmas Carol we’re doing? I can’t wait to be Scrooge. It’ll be nice to play an old geezer besides Old Man Perriwinkle.” 


“Well, I don’t know, old friend.” The shorter man sighed. “I’m not sure how you talked me into this. Acting…I’m not as into it as you.”


Gene’s mind already wandered to his performance. “Huh?” He shook out the images of being onstage and figuring out how he should play Scrooge. “Bill, you’re a man of the stage. You told me you did plays in high school. Don’t you love the idea of getting into a role and just…being someone else?”


“Not really.” Bill shrugged his bony shoulders. “I like who I am. I live a good life. I have a wife I love. I’m between jobs, but I like where I’m living. You ought to try moving here, Gene. The weather’s amazing. We found this great little place in Santa Monica…”


The Match Game host shook his head. “Oh no, Bill. I’m happier on the East Coast. Fewer phonies over there, and the air in Cape Cod is so clear, on sunny days, you can see straight across the bay.” 


“You wouldn’t have to commute so much, Gene. I know all those plane rides can be exhausting. I had to do it when I hosted $25,000 Pyramid.”


Gene sighed. “I don’t mind the commute, really. My needlepointing is coming along nicely. I’ve had my work in galleries. That’s not really the problem. Bill, I love hosting this show, but…that’s all anyone thinks I am. Just a host. I can do more.”


“I don’t see why this is such a bad thing, Gene.” His smaller friend shrugged. “Maybe it doesn’t net us the most prestige in the world, but we get to meet a lot of interesting people, and we help them win prizes and money most of them need. What’s wrong with that?”


“Nothing wrong with it, Bill. I enjoy it. I wouldn’t trade this,” Gene swept his arms around the blue and orange set, “for the world. I just…I’d like to try other things, too. I like being onstage, Bill. I like creating a part.”


Bill nodded. “You like being someone else. I can see it in your eyes. No one could host this show like you can, Gene. Your voices really add to the questions, and you have no problems doing all those crazy stunts.” He shrugged again. “I don’t do voices. I didn’t mind appearing on Captain Kangaroo because Bob Keenan is a dear man and a friend of mine, but I’m mostly happy just talking to people and throwing out a few jokes.” 


“You’re better at it than you think.” Gene chuckled. “I’ve seen you work, not only here, but on To Tell the Truth. You’re as much of a ham as I am, Bill. You love the spotlight, too. Maybe not in the way I do, but…”


Bill had to grin himself. “We wouldn’t be in this business if we didn’t! That’s not the part I have problems with. I prefer to improvise. Memorizing a script, getting into costume…it’s a bit much for me, Gene. And I think it’s a bit much for you, too. I always wondered why you didn’t push harder with acting. Everyone knows how much you love it.”


“I’m busy. I do other things too, Bill. I work on my garden with Helen. I used to fly. You’ve flown with me!”


The smaller host shook his head. “You’re avoiding the question, Gene. Why don’t you try harder to get acting jobs? You probably could if you wanted.”


He sighed and leaned against the desks. “Maybe I’m a fan of improv, too. I really didn’t enjoy doing that one movie back in the sixties with Doris Day. All the camera set-ups, takes, the people ordering you around…it was too much. I’d rather be on the stage or TV, where you have one person giving you reasonable orders and don’t take all day to film one scene.” 


“If you mean ‘It Happened to Jane,’ I was in that movie too, Gene.” Bill grinned. “I don’t know why you didn’t want billing. I thought you were hilarious.” 


Gene made a face. “I barely did anything. I stood there and talked over Doris Day. I’d rather deal with one set and all of the cameras than everything going on in the movies. There just isn’t enough spontaneity.” He waved his hand at the contestant’s desk. “You never know what will happen here, and that’s how I like it. I like keeping on my toes. That’s what I like about theater, too. No two performances are alike.”


“I know, old friend.” Bill nodded as Edie and McLean slid into their chairs. “It’s what I like about our jobs. I enjoy the shows. I’m just not…well, maybe I’m insecure in a different way than you. I don’t need to create characters. I kind of like being one.”


His long-time friend gave his a wide white host’s grin. “You’ll know what you’re missing soon, old friend. We’re going to have a great time, appearing together. I can’t wait to order you around and cry over your Christmas dinner with the family.”


Bill gave him a small, nervous grin. “Thanks. And I have no idea what you’ll do as Scrooge, but if you have as much fun with the role as you usually do with Old Man Perriwinkle, I’m sure it’ll be memorable.”


“Hey Gene,” Brett brayed as she and Charles slid into their seats, “what were you an’ Bill doing? Chewing the fat?”


He nodded. “We were just talking, Brett.” Johnny Olsen came out behind him to warm up the crowd. “Everyone ready to win these people more money?” Chrouses of “Oh yeah!” and “You bet!” met his ears. 


“Ok, Mr. Scrooge,” Bill chuckled, “let’s make these people rich and keep the Ghosts of Christmas at bay.” 


“And all I have to say to that,” he grinned as he made his way backstage, “is bah humbug!” 


He went behind the opening doors to the sounds of laughter, some of it probably inflected with liquor, and shouts. “This,” he murmured to himself, “is where the real fun lays. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have it. I want to act, and I want to do it more…but I love this, too, helping people win money. I wouldn’t give up this for the world.”


“Gene?” The stagehand broke his reverie. “You’re on.”


“Of course!” He laughed. “I’m always on!” He grinned at the man, then went down his stairs as Johnny Olsen announced his name to thunderous applause. 


THE END

Thursday, October 6, 2022

Wedding Blank - A Match Game Short Story

Rated: PG (Language, discussions of divorce) 

Set: Directly after the end of episode 1325, taped September 10th, 1978

~*~*~*~*~*~

“And that’s a wrap!”

Brett Somers swept the napkin off her head the moment the cameras shut off. “What was that all about?”

“I think most people call it a wedding.” Her ex-husband Jack Klugman tried in vain to open the bottle of champagne fellow Match Game panelist Charles Nelson Reilly brought out with him. “So why don’t you enjoy it?”

She glared at him. “No matter what those jokers say, we’re not married.”

“Who says?” He made a face, shaking the bottle. “Damn it. I think it’s empty, or low. Charlie probably found a prop bottle somewhere.” 

“The state of California, last time I checked.” Brett grabbed the napkin before it hit the floor. “Why the hell did you grab me like that earlier? We were on the air!”

Jack smirked. “Since when did that stop us? It went along with the gag!”

His ex-wife blew out the candle nearest to her. “Some gag! You nearly knocked me off my chair!”

“You weren’t complainin’ about it at the time.” He blew out the other candle. “They were just tryin’ to have a little fun.”

“You’re one to talk. All you’ve done all this week is complain!” She gathered the ice bucket to drop it in the prop room. “Why did you start in on me with the ‘Hall of Fame’ Audience Match on the Monday show? There is a Hallmark Hall of Fame! You’ve watched them with Adam.”

“Ok, so I didn’t recognize it then! Sounded boring to me. I can’t tell one of those kiddie shows from another anyway.”

“Like ‘Football Hall of Fame’ is more interesting?” The second candle must have rolled under the desk after she put it out. “You just wanted to argue over something. You’re not happy unless you’re fighting.” 

His gravely voice rumbled as her fingers fumbled around the shag carpeting. “At least they do somethin’ out there on the field besides kissin’ an’ cryin’!” 

‘She finally retrieved the candle and climbed off her seat. “Here it is! Come on.” Her legs were already heading for the hall. “I’m gonna go get a drink before they start filming the nighttime show. Want to come with me?”

“What about Reilly n’ all them?”

“Charles went to talk to Gene about next week’s panelists. The others are likely in the green room already.” 

He made a face. “Ain’t you had enough?"

“You’re one to talk!” She grumbled as she handed the candle over to one of the stagehands. “I saw everything you drank at dinner. You had more than I did!”

“I was nervous!” He jutted a finger at the small TV they passed in the men’s dressing room. “I was watchin’ the game between the Rams and the Falcons. I got good money ridin’ on the Rams. Glad they won.” 

She threw up her hands in frustration. “Oh good gravy Marie! Can’t you just watch a game without betting on it?”

“See,” he started, “I got this angle…”

“You always have an angle!” 

“What about you?” He grumbled as they made their way down the hall. “You spend any time you ain’t takin’ care of the boys drinkin’ an’ partyin’. At least I’m workin’.”

Her hands waved at the hallway around them as two camera women pushed their equipment past them. “What do you call that, sitting around? This is my job, Jack! And I love it! I love helping people win money. I love joking with Charles and Gene and Betty. I may not be making the money you are on Quincy, but I am bringing something home!”

“Yeah, and then you drink it all with Reilly in West Hollywood.”

“You’re just jealous.” She smirked. “I got propositioned by three actresses the last time Charles and I were over there who didn’t know I was straight.”

He glared at her. “You’re way too old for that.”

“And you’re not too old for some of those ingeunes you flirt with at the studio? I’ve seen you, Jack! I saw you when we were married!”

They stopped in front of the entrance. “So I helped a few girls. Gave them directions. Said nice things. What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing, if that’s all you were doing.” Two actors in plaid leisure suits pushed past them. “Jack, we’re blocking traffic. I need to call Adam and tell him I’ll be home soon as we tape the nighttime show.”

He turned on that little grin she found so charming twenty years ago in New York. “Darlin’...since we got married again today…well, sorta…I’d like to take you and Adam out to a late dinner. We won’t talk about nothin’ but him an’ little stuff. No work, no gamblin’, no drinkin’.”

His lips turned down when she shook her head. “No, Jack. I’m busy tonight. In fact, I’m busy a lot.” She touched his hand. “Let me get used to all this, Jack. To being alone again. To us not being…well, us. Then we’ll see how things are.”

“And then, we’ll…see?” 

She sighed. “Maybe. Jack, I need to eat something.” 

He watched as she took off for the lounge, probably to talk to Reilly. “Jack,” he muttered to himself, “boy, were you dumb. Let go of somethin’ good. Someday,” he said under his breath, “someday, maybe things will be different. Maybe we’ll be friends. Or, even, well…” he chuckled, “or even somethin’ more.” 

That was when he remembered the Rams game. “Need to find out if those jerks won,” he muttered. He finally went to call his bookie in the men's dressing room…but his eyes followed his slender ex-wife as she strolled down the hall. 

The End